After reading the article “How to Raise Healthy Children? Parents Must First Manage Their Own Emotions”...

After reading the article “How to Raise Healthy Children? Parents Must First Manage Their Own Emotions”...

As I read this article, I found myself drawn to several points that I wanted to reflect on more deeply:

1.
First, I completely agree with the title of the article, “How to Raise Healthy Children? Parents Must First Manage Their Own Emotions.”
Of course, as parents we must respect our children’s emotions, but before that, I believe our own emotions must first be healthy—healthy enough to be respected by our children.

2.
I also agree with the statement that “the most important emotion parents must first learn to manage is anger.”
The article says, “Anger has a destructive potential and is therefore an emotion that gets people into trouble, so we usually bury it. However, when buried, anger can explode inwardly as depression, guilt, anxiety, or shame—or outwardly as aggression.”
I believe that if we as parents cannot restrain or regulate our anger in front of our children, it becomes very difficult to raise them into emotionally healthy individuals.
Of course, I also believe that God, who loves our children more than anyone else, can still raise them into healthy individuals even through parents who struggle with anger management.

3.
I found Handel’s distinction between two separate stages of anger—(a) the internal experience of anger and (b) the external, constructive expression of anger toward oneself and family—very interesting.
This is because I had usually thought only about the first stage, the internal experience of anger. In my case, my wife tended to express anger outwardly, while I often held it inside. I used to tell myself that I was “being patient,” but through my wife I came to realize that I was actually harboring inner anger.
The problem was that as parents of three children, we both failed to express our anger to our children in constructive ways. In my case, I likely influenced my children negatively through my nonverbal expressions of internal anger, while my wife probably did so through verbal or behavioral expressions of anger. In the end, I believe both of us, by not properly processing our anger, negatively affected our children.

4.
In the article, Dr. Handel and Dr. Prager mention “anxiety” and “a lot of shame.” When I read those words, they reminded me of my wife and myself.
When I read the word “anxiety,” I thought of my wife; when I read “a lot of shame,” I thought of myself.
My wife once told me very seriously that she often felt anxious. Because of that, I could not help but become deeply interested in what her “anxiety” meant and how, as her husband, I could help her experience freedom from it.
Meanwhile, I realized that I was very sensitive to feelings of shame, often experiencing them intensely—especially when my wife became angry in public or in front of others, or when she did not act according to what I thought was “appropriate.”
I especially felt ashamed when my wife became angry in front of our children.
That is why the words “anxiety” and “shame” strongly reminded me of us as a couple.

5.
Handel said, “Healthy shame exists for a reason. Appropriate shame teaches us to be good people, follow the law, and avoid hurting others.” I fully agree with this statement.
She also asked, “Was there something that made you feel unacceptable to your parents?” and explained that shame often arises when we fail to meet our parents’ expectations or when our emotional expressions are not properly accepted.
For example, if a child’s sadness is not accepted by their parents, they begin to associate sadness with shame, repressing it whenever they feel sad.
I completely agree with this. In relationships between parents and children, shame can indeed arise when a child’s emotions or actions fail to meet parental expectations. But I also believe that in marital relationships, shame can arise in the same way—when emotional expressions are not properly received or when partners fail to meet each other’s expectations.
Furthermore, I believe that not only shame but also anger can be easily triggered in such cases. Therefore, I think both spouses must be committed to understanding the root causes of their shame and anger, and also learn how to express their suppressed core emotions in healthy ways.

6.
Dr. Handel and Dr. Prager said, “Childhood trauma can affect one’s role as a father.” I believe it can just as easily affect one’s role as a mother as well.
If parents marry and have children without having overcome their childhood traumas, those unresolved wounds can negatively influence not only the marital relationship but also the parent–child relationship.
Therefore, I believe it is urgent for both my wife and me to understand what childhood traumas we each carry and how to overcome them in the Lord.
I also believe that God has brought us together as a couple precisely so that we can help each other overcome those traumas.
And I am convinced that the key to overcoming them is to love one another with the love of the Lord.

7.
When I looked at the diagram of the “Change Triangle” that Dr. Handel and Dr. Prager introduced, I thought about defense mechanisms.
Although this tool was designed to help people move away from emotional pain and return to their authentic selves, I personally think that our defense mechanisms—our ways of protecting ourselves from emotional discomfort—can often be too strong.
In marital relationships, I believe there are times when we must intentionally lower or let go of certain defense mechanisms. Only then can a marriage truly grow.
Otherwise, each partner will remain blocked from understanding their own core emotions and, as a result, may fail to reveal their true selves to one another—loving not the real person, but a guarded version of each other.

8.
Finally, after reading and rereading the article, I wholeheartedly agreed with its closing statement: “The most important thing is for parents to focus on their own joy.”
This made me reflect deeply on my marriage.
When we do this, the joy God has given my wife and me—through the indwelling Holy Spirit—allows us to experience great joy as we talk together about how God is working graciously in the lives of our three children.
Personally, I give thanks to God and feel great joy and fulfillment as I write about these blessings in our family journal and share them with neighbors.
That is why I encourage newly married couples to keep a family journal like I do—because I believe this is what Dr. Prager refers to as the practice of “joy seeking.”

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Source: Mindgil.com – “How to Raise Healthy Children? Parents Must First Manage Their Own Emotions”