Thanks to my beloved son Dillon, I was even led to reflect on the theological perspective of Professor John Frame—who, in my view, is a remarkably well-balanced theologian and was my professor at Westminster Theological Seminary—particularly his perspective on areas such as the family, the church, and the workplace. ------------ "Ultimately, Professor John Frame's central conclusion is that the insecurity within the family cannot truly be healed by any worldly psychology or communication technique. It can be healed only by experiencing and resting in the embrace of God who holds us—the existential grace of God." John Frame's Christian Ethics and the Triperspectival Approach Professor John Frame's Christian ethics is characterized by applying his central theological methodology—Triperspectivalism—to the field of ethics. He teaches that ethical decision-making should never be based on a single criterion alone. Rather, Christians must consider three biblical perspec...
On Marital Conflict
Before coming to this mission field, I had the opportunity to share a meal and meaningful fellowship with my beloved son, Dillon. During our conversation, I was introduced to a Christian ethics professor and one of his books.
Curious to learn more, I used artificial intelligence to research both the professor and his work. As I studied his ideas, I organized what I understood under the title "On Marital Conflict." I would like to share this summary of his perspective with you.
On Marital Conflict
From Professor Scott Rae's Christian ethical perspective, resolving marital conflict is not merely a technique for restoring a relationship. Rather, it is a process of spiritual formation through which believers demonstrate the character of God in daily life. When facing marital conflict, the following biblical principles should be practiced.
1. Apply the Principle of Grace from the Cross (Forgiveness and Acceptance)
The world's approach to conflict often operates on a principle of reciprocity: "If you apologize, then I'll apologize." Christian ethics, however, is grounded in the unconditional grace of salvation that we have already received.
When your spouse hurts you, remember God's mercy in accepting you—a sinner—and choose forgiveness instead of condemnation.
Lay aside the desire to prove yourself right. As Christ gave Himself for the Church, practice self-denial and sacrificial love first.
2. Uphold Covenant Faithfulness
Marriage is not a contract that can be dissolved whenever emotions change. It is an everlasting covenant made before God.
Even in the height of conflict, do not use divorce or separation as a weapon to manipulate your spouse.
Imitate God's steadfast love (hesed) by committing to preserve the relationship with patience, despite your spouse's weaknesses and failures.
3. Practice the "Seven-Step Model" for Resolving Marital Conflict
Applying Professor Scott Rae's moral decision-making model to marital conflict provides practical guidance.
a. Gather the Facts
Avoid reacting purely out of emotion. Objectively identify what caused the misunderstanding by listening carefully to each other's perspective.
b. Determine the Issues
Discern whether the conflict is merely about differing habits or whether it reflects deeper moral and spiritual issues such as a need for respect, affirmation, or trust.
c. Identify the Principles
Make Scripture—the highest authority in marriage—the standard. Principles such as mutual submission, forgiveness, and God's desire for peace should guide the discussion.
d. List the Alternatives
Reject destructive responses such as silent treatment or verbal abuse. Instead, intentionally create opportunities for healthy communication by "speaking the truth in love."
e. Compare with Biblical Principles
Evaluate whether your proposed solution (such as refusing to talk or leaving home) reflects biblical virtues.
f. Assess the Consequences
Ask whether your words will build up your spouse spiritually or wound them and create opportunities for evil.
g. Make a Decision and Pray
Seek the Holy Spirit's guidance rather than relying on your own will. Take concrete action by reaching out first, asking forgiveness, and pursuing reconciliation.
How Do We "Speak the Truth in Love"?
Based on Ephesians 4:15 ("speaking the truth in love"), this means communicating biblical truth without compromise while expressing it with Christlike love and consideration.
Step 1: Examine Your Motives Before Speaking
Before speaking, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal your true motives.
Wrong motive: Using "truth" as an excuse to criticize, shame, or prove yourself right.
Right motive: Speaking only out of love with the desire to strengthen your spouse spiritually and restore the marriage that God has established.
Step 2: Use "I-Statements"
Rather than attacking your spouse, honestly express your own experience.
Poor example (You-statement): "You're always so selfish! You never keep your promises!"
Healthy example (I-statement): "When you came home late without letting me know, I felt deeply hurt because it seemed as though I wasn't being respected." This communicates truth without attacking the other person's character.
Step 3: Choose Words That Build Up
Following Ephesians 4:29 ("Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up..."), choose language that strengthens rather than tears down.
Don't resurrect the past. Address the present issue instead of repeatedly bringing up old failures.
Practice active listening. Speaking truth is important, but so is patiently listening to your spouse's hidden hurts.
Use appropriate timing. If emotions are running high, take a temporary time-out with a clear commitment to return to the conversation after calming down.
Overcoming Defensive Reactions and Spiritual Opposition
1. Overcoming Natural Defense Mechanisms
Because of our sinful nature, conflict often triggers self-protective responses. Christian virtue calls us to replace these with humility.
Breaking the Silent Treatment
Withdrawing from communication can become a passive form of aggression. Instead of shutting down, say something like: "I need about an hour to collect my thoughts, but I want us to continue this conversation because our relationship matters."
Overcoming Defensiveness
Rather than responding, "What about you?" when corrected, first ask: "Is there any truth in what my spouse is saying that I need to acknowledge and repent of?" Humility opens the door to healing.
2. Recognizing Spiritual Warfare
According to Ephesians 4:27 and 6:12, Satan seeks to exploit marital conflict to destroy the covenant relationship.
Don't View Your Spouse as the Enemy
Your spouse is not your opponent. The real battle is spiritual. Your spouse is your partner in resisting temptation and should be seen as someone who also needs grace, healing, and encouragement.
Reject Bitterness
Continually rehearsing past wounds nurtures resentment. Instead, intentionally remember the forgiveness you have received through Christ and choose forgiveness over bitterness.
Building Spiritual Unity in Marriage
Professor Scott Rae emphasizes that spiritual unity is cultivated through everyday practices rather than only formal religious activities.
1. Turn Ordinary Moments into Worship
Share one thing each day for which you are thankful to God.
Discuss ethical challenges at work or in family life and seek biblical wisdom together. This shared pursuit of God's will becomes an act of worship.
2. Become Intercessors for One Another
Just as Christ intercedes for His Church, husbands and wives should faithfully pray for one another.
Share spiritual struggles, fears, and temptations honestly in a safe environment free from condemnation.
When conflict arises or an important decision must be made, pause, hold hands, and pray together before continuing the conversation. Hearing your spouse pray for you can become a powerful source of unity and protection.
What Does Scott Rae Say About Adult Children?
Professor Scott Rae warns that poor boundaries between parents and adult children can seriously damage a marriage.
1. It Violates the Biblical Principle of "Leaving and Cleaving"
Scripture teaches that a husband and wife are to leave their parents and become "one flesh." When adult children remain emotionally or financially dependent on their parents—or when parents continue to interfere excessively in their adult children's marriages—this God-given order is disrupted.
2. It Creates a Loyalty Conflict
Adult children who consistently seek parental approval before consulting their spouse in major decisions (such as finances, household matters, or parenting) undermine the biblical priority of the marriage covenant. This often leaves the other spouse feeling neglected, betrayed, and isolated.
3. It Creates Future Family Conflict
Rae also notes that when difficult conversations about aging parents, finances, or end-of-life decisions are avoided, those unresolved responsibilities often become heavy emotional, ethical, and relational burdens for spouses and other family members.
Therefore, healthy marriages require clear, loving boundaries between parents and their adult children. Adult children must separate appropriately from their parents—not by abandoning them, but by establishing a new primary covenant with their spouse. In this sense, "speaking the truth in love" also means communicating healthy boundaries with both parents and adult children in a way that reflects both truth and grace (Internet).
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