To Build Close Relationships… We Must Understand the Difference Between Being ‘Honest’ and Being ‘Authentic’

To Build Close Relationships… We Must Understand the Difference Between Being ‘Honest’ and Being ‘Authentic’

 

 

 

Dr. Seungmin Han, Director of Seolleung Forest Mental Health Clinic

Published: July 11, 2025, 08:00 AM

 

 

A woman in her 30s, whom I met in the clinic, cautiously opened up. She said she had many friends and seemed to get along well with people on the surface. Yet in truth, she never felt like she was at the center of any group. She always felt like she was on the fringe. Even in a group chat she had been part of for years, she felt left out and alone. She admitted that she often lay awake at night, imagining that there might be a separate chatroom that excluded her. Outwardly, she appeared to live a peaceful life, but inside, she was lonely and emotionally exhausted.

 

Her story reflects the inner reality of many people. Saying we “get along well with others” speaks only to the breadth of our relationships—not the depth. Just because we know many people, have contacts to message, or exchange small talk doesn’t mean we feel genuine closeness. In fact, in such surface-level relationships, the feeling of “Why do I feel so lonely?” can emerge even more clearly.

 

True Closeness Is Built on the Risk of Sharing Honestly

Often, we want deeper relationships but avoid a key ingredient in achieving them: revealing our vulnerabilities. Real intimacy begins when we gradually open up about our fears, embarrassing sides, and emotional wounds. Yet most people hesitate to do this. We worry, “What if they judge me?” “What if they’re disappointed?” “What if they dismiss my story or spread it to others?” These fears are understandable—after all, people can be unpredictable and act in ways that defy our hopes.  But if we allow these uncertainties to dictate our behavior and only talk about safe, neutral topics, our relationships will remain shallow—like staying in shallow water, never diving in. Deep conversations and meaningful connections are built upon the courage to share our truth, even at the risk of being vulnerable.

 

Being Honest and Being Authentic Are Not the Same

At this point, you might wonder: So should I just spill everything?  But what we’re talking about here is not about bluntly dumping your emotions or being “brutally honest.” Authenticity is different from unfiltered honesty. Authenticity is a state where your words and actions naturally align with your internal values.  You don’t need to prove anything or try hard to impress—people intuitively sense whether someone is genuine or not. An authentic person is grounded in self-assurance. That means they don’t need to fake anything. They don’t have to hide or exaggerate their emotions. They don’t try to manipulate how they’re perceived by thinking, “This should be enough to look good.”  Being around someone like that puts us at ease. We feel empathy instead of judgment, support instead of competition. And the more we become that kind of person ourselves, the more naturally we attract those kinds of relationships.

 

Not Becoming a “Good Person,” But Someone Who’s “Full of Imperfections”

We often try to be a good person in our relationships—polite, a good listener, someone who avoids saying uncomfortable things, and tries not to cause trouble. But ironically, the more we strive to be that kind of “good person,” the lonelier we can become.  Real connection doesn’t grow from being someone who gets along just fine—it grows from being someone with whom others feel safe to share their truth. When you say something difficult and the other person still stays by your side, that’s when the relationship deepens. When you reveal your weaknesses and flaws, and they don’t turn away, your heart opens up just a little more.  It’s in the accumulation of those small moments that true intimacy begins. Because what we long for isn’t a perfect person—it’s a real one. Someone who can share emotional space, someone with whom we feel it’s okay to be clumsy or imperfect. In that kind of relationship, we can finally let go of tension and simply be ourselves.  True relationships don’t blossom from the effort to appear good, but from the trust that says, “This person will understand my heart.”

 

The Courage to Stay With a Good Person

That doesn’t mean you have to open your heart to everyone. In fact, it’s often more important to choose who you want to maintain a relationship with. If someone constantly makes you uncomfortable, disregards your feelings, or uses you, there’s no reason to keep forcing the connection.  To build good relationships, you also need the courage to let go of bad ones. That, too, is a form of being true to yourself.  Over time, people reveal who they are more clearly—how they speak, how they react during conflict, whether they choose to stay when things get tough. The authenticity of a relationship doesn’t show in words but emerges slowly over time.  That’s why we come to know—through someone’s words, actions, and the way they treat us—whether they’re someone worth keeping close. And when we face that judgment, we shouldn’t hesitate to protect ourselves and stay centered. In fact, that’s often the first step toward building deeper, more genuine connections.

 

Because We’re Tired of Superficial Relationships

A real relationship doesn’t start with having many people—it starts with having even one person with whom you can truly be yourself.  So in the end, the way out of loneliness is not by reaching out to more people, but by keeping close the kind of person around whom you can be more honest.  Not the version of you that looks “okay” to others, but your true, unfiltered self.  When that version of you is finally allowed to exist in a relationship, that’s when the connection starts to breathe.  And within that connection, you’ll find yourself a little less lonely—and a little stronger.

 

Source: Health Chosun – July 10, 2025