"자녀를 건강한 아이로 키우려면? 부모 자신부터 감정 다스려라 부모의 감정이 무엇보다 자녀의 감정에 큰 영향을 미친다 / 셔터스톡 부모라면 자녀의 감정을 존중하는 것의 중요성에 대해 들어봤을 것이다. 하지만 부모인 당신의 감정은 어떠한가? 임상 사회 복지사이자 심리 치료사인 힐러리 제이콥스 헨델과 심리학자이자 양육 교육자인 줄리 프라가 박사는 신간, 『부모도 감정이 있다(Parents Have Feelings, Too)』에서 통념을 뒤집었다. 즉, 정서적으로 건강한 아이를 양육할 수 있도록 하기 위해선 먼저 부모 자신의 감정을 다스릴 줄 알아야 한다는 것이 핵심 메시지다. 이들이 부모들에게 어떤 조언을 했는지 CNN과 함께 알아본다. 부모에게 가장 중요한 감정, '분노' 헨델은 부모가 다뤄야 할 6가지 핵심 감정으로 ▲분노 ▲슬픔 ▲두려움 ▲혐오 ▲기쁨 ▲흥분을 꼽았다. 그러면서 ‘분노’를 가장 중요한 핵심 감정으로 보았다. 그녀는 “분노는 파괴적인 잠재력을 가지고 있기 때문에 사람들을 곤경에 빠뜨리는 감정이며, 그래서 우리는 대개 그것을 묻어버린다. 그런데 이때 분노는 안으로 폭발하여 우울, 죄책감, 불안, 수치심으로 나타날 수 있다. 혹은 밖으로 폭발하여 공격성으로 표출될 수 있다.”고 설명했다. 중요한 것은 분노를 ‘행동’으로 옮기지 않고 ‘경험’하는 방법을 배우는 것이다. 이는 분노에 이름을 붙이고, 신체에서 어떻게 느껴지는지 알아차리고, 그 순간의 충동이 무엇인지를 인식하며, 궁극적으로는 그 에너지를 방출하는 것을 포함하는 내면의 과정이다. 이에 더해 헨델은 분노를 두 개의 분리된 단계로 이해할 필요성을 말했다. 분노를 경험하는 내적인 과정과 스스로와 가족에게 건설적인 방식으로 분노를 표현하는 외적인 과정이 그것이다. 한편, 프라가 박사는 엄마와 달리, 아빠들의 경우 ‘분노’라는 감정처리에 더욱 익숙하지 않다고 지적했다. 하지만 아빠들...
A jealous eye
“And from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on
David” (1 Samuel 18:9).
When
I think about “jealousy”, I remember the Korean drama “Jealousy” that was
broadcast on MBC in June-July 1992. The
drama includes actor Soo Jong Choi and actress Jin Sil Choi and it was about
young people's fresh and heartfelt love stories. It is said to have been recognized as the
epitome of the melodrama that the era demands by containing the pain, waiting,
and beauty to realize mature love (Internet).
I still remember dimly a part of the lyrics of the drama's title song
“Jealousy”: ‘Who are you looking at even though I'm standing here right
here …
I don't want much. I just you’re
your eyes of love. Even if I try to
convey my heart, your eyes are saying different things’ (Internet). At that time, I was 24 years old and when I
listened to that drama theme song, it stimulated my young heart. Haha. But now when I listen to that song, it is
kind of insipid. However, one thing for
sure is that "jealousy" can't be thought of simply. Why is that?
This is because jealousy can kill a person. It is because jealousy is a terrible weapon
of Satan.
What
is jealousy? It is “a feeling of
unhappiness and anger because someone has something or someone that you want”
(Internet). When I read this definition
again and again, I have nothing to say because I remembered having a feeling of
unhappiness and anger about a formal church member in the Lord for no
reason. Although that member didn’t do
anything wrong to me, I just didn’t like that person. Even though I didn’t want to hate that
person, I couldn’t help not hating that person.
Of course I see myself still jealous.
I see myself trying to be envious when others are praised and recognized
more than me. Of course this is my inner
person. After all, the jealousy in me is
prideful. If I am humble before God, I
am sure I won’t have earthly, natural and demonic jealousy (cf. Jam.
3:15). The reason is because I would
empty myself like Jesus did (Phil. 2:5-8).
If I am imitating the heart of Jesus, I will be humble and consider
other members better than myself (v. 3) instead of being jealousy of others.
Of
course, in the Bible, it's not only worldly and devilish jealousy that is
mentioned. The Bible also speaks of
God's jealousy. For example, in Numbers
25:11, God speaks to Moses about Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron
the priest, saying, “Phinehas son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron, the priest, has
turned my anger away from the Israelites; for he was as zealous as I am for my
honor among them, so that in my zeal I did not put an end to them.” The jealousy of Phinehas is described as
being came from heaven (Jam. 3:17), making it a jealousy that is in line with
the Scriptures and just in the sight of God. What we should seek is precisely the kind of
jealousy that Phinehas had, which was rooted in God's own jealousy. However, we should not possess a jealousy like
that of Saul, as mentioned in 1 Samuel 18:9, because Saul's jealousy was
worldly, carnal, and devilish in nature (Jam. 3:15).
In 1 Samuel 18:9 we see King Saul
jealous. The Bible says that he saw
David, who was a man after God’s heart (Acts 13:22), with jealous eyes. Although 1 Samuel 18:9 NASB Bible says “Saul
looked at David with suspicion …”, NIV Bible says “… Saul kept a jealous eye on
David.” In Hebrew, it means ‘Saul
watched David with jealousy eye’ (dictionary).
Why did Saul watch David with jealous eyes? The answer is in “from that day on” (v.
9a). Here “the day” refers to the day
when David killed the Philistine Goliath and the women came out of all the
cities of Israel and sang “Saul has slain his thousands, And David his ten
thousands” (vv. 6-7). Those women sang
that the number of people King Saul killed could be counted to thousands, and
the number of people David killed could be counted to tens of thousands
(Park). In other words, the women
exalted David higher than King Saul.
Therefore, from that time on, King Saul began to see David with jealous
eyes. Look at 1 Samuel 18:8 – “Then Saul
became very angry, for this saying displeased him; and he said, "They have
ascribed to David ten thousands, but to me they have ascribed thousands. Now
what more can he have but the kingdom?”
From that day on, King Saul began to look at David with jealous eyes. Think about it. Imagine that King Saul who used be the hero
of the drama but David, one of the additional production personnel, became the
hero by killing Goliath and everybody loves David. Everybody looked up to David and they loved
him. Not only that King Saul's son
Jonathan loved David as himself (vv. 1, 3), but also Michal, a Saul's daughter
(vv. 20, 28) and all Israel and Judah loved David as well (v. 16). So what was Saul's heart like? Saul, knowing that the Lord was departed from
him and was with David (vv. 12, 14, 28), and the evil spirit from God came
mightily upon Saul (v. 10), he continued to look at David with jealous
eyes. The terrible thing was that Saul,
looking at David with jealous eyes, eventually tried to kill him. Saul threw a spear that was in his hand to
David while David was playing the harp with his hand (vv. 10-11). Even though Saul failed to kill David, he continued
to try to kill David from then on.
Jealousy can make you guilty of murder.
After all, Saul saw and knew that God was with David, so “Saul was even
more afraid of David and was David’s enemy continually” (v. 29). King Saul tried to kill David all his
life. But as we know, David became a
king of Israel because God was with him, and Saul died in a war. Saul, who was jealous to kill David, was
rather killed. This is the end of sinful
jealousy.
So, how can we
overcome the wicked jealousy like that of Saul? I found the answer in Psalms 73. Asaph, the psalms, almost stumbled when he saw
the prosperity of the wicked and envied the arrogant (v. 3). However, when he entered the sanctuary of God,
he understood the final destiny of the wicked (v. 17). In other words, Asaph overcame his wicked
jealousy. When he fixed his eyes on God,
he realized how the holy and righteous God would judge the wicked (vv. 17-20). He also realized that there was no one on
earth he desired besides God (v. 25). This was the key. We should not look at people with eyes of
wicked and murderous jealousy, but rather we should look only to the Lord with
the eyes of His jealousy. When we do
this, we can overcome the worldly, carnal, and devilish jealousy that subtly
creeps into our hearts. Knowing that God
watches over us with His jealous eyes, not to doze off or slumber, we will be
victorious.
Guarding against Saul's jealous eyes and seeking
Phinehas' jealous eyes,
James Kim
(Relying on the faithful grace of God, who loves
me to the point of jealousy)
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