‘[Dr. Jin-se Kim’s Counseling Room] I found out my husband is homosexual ... Should I get a divorce? Should I just pretend to be a married couple and live together?’

‘[Dr. Jin-se Kim’s Counseling Room] I found out my husband is homosexual ... Should I get a divorce?  Should I just pretend to be a married couple and live together?’

 

 

http://news.khan.co.kr/kh_news/khan_art_view.html?artid=202006261633005&code=940100&nv=stand&utm_source=naver&utm_medium=newsstand&utm_campaign=row2_thumb&C

 

 

                The title seems a bit shocking, so as I read through the article, I noticed that there are several thought-provoking points (things to learn) in the content by ‘Dr. Jin-se Kim" and ‘Eun-joo Kim.’  I would like to take some time to reflect on these points one by one as I continue reading:

 

(1)    ‘...  I never expected to collapse like this.’ (Eun-joo Kim)

The statement from ‘Eun-joo Kim’ in the article, ‘I've overcome all sorts of difficult situations by myself, but I never expected to collapse like this,’ is something I find important.  What's significant about it is that we need to recognize and acknowledge how fragile and easily breakable our own existence as humans can be through our own collapses.  Only then do we truly seem to rely entirely on the Lord.  However, the strange thing is that we don’t usually break down easily.  We try hard, doing our best not to collapse, but the parts where we mainly break and fall apart are in our relationships with our loved ones.  In other words, since our greatest vulnerability lies within our loved ones, just like in the case of Eun-joo Kim in this article, we can be truly broken by our spouse or children.

 

(2)    ‘You must have felt betrayed that the husband, who should have been the one to trust the most, did that.’ (Dr. Kim)

 

The feeling of betrayal that arises when trust is broken in a marriage, or when trust is broken in the relationship between parents and children, is something that can definitely happen.  And in the breaking of trust, there is often lying and deception involved.  Why do we deceive the people we love, such as our spouse, parents, or children?  Why do we lie?

 

(3)    ‘I must be useless...  Right now, I just feel like I made a huge mistake.’ (Eun-joo Kim)

 

While my Korean is limited and I’m not sure if I can express my thoughts clearly.  If I were to try, the words "self-abuse" come to mind when I think about Eun-joo Kim’s statement, ‘I must be useless.’  The mistake was that her husband hid the fact that he was gay, and when he married Eun-joo Kim, she felt betrayed.  Yet, despite this, she said, ‘I must be useless’ during the counseling.  I believe that during times of great difficulty and crisis in the family, we should be very cautious about abusing ourselves.  In my case, when my first baby, Charis, passed away, I abused myself for over a year.  That self-abuse was rooted in the overwhelming guilt I felt, believing that my child's death was because of my sin.

 

(4)    ‘If he you’re going to marry someone, you should have told her/him beforehand.’ (Dr. Kim)

 

Recently, I advised someone to confess their past sexual sins to their future spouse before marriage and ask for forgiveness.  The reason I gave this advice is that we often confess our sins to God, whom we cannot see, but then hide them from our future spouse, with whom we are supposed to share our lives.  Especially in a world like today, where premarital sex, pregnancy, and abortion are common, Christians have lost the ability to view sin as sin and tend to take it lightly.  We often end up marrying while keeping things hidden, even though "if you’re going to marry someone, you should have told her/him beforehand.’  So, when someone like Eun-joo Kim finds out later, how would you react? (I believe we don’t know our spouse, or even our children, as well as we think we do.  That’s why many people struggle to cope with the shock when they find out the truth later.)

 

(5)    ‘It must have been like a prison for the person involved.  So, being separated from their family, I guess the only way out was marriage.’ (Eun-joo Kim)

 

It seems that here in the U.S., many young people deliberately go far away to college.  In my opinion, one of the reasons for this is escape.  In other words, they intentionally want to distance themselves from their parents, so they go to colleges far from home.  Not only that, but some also live far away from their parents after marriage.  Looking at these phenomena, I believe the underlying cause is often problems or wounds in the relationship with their parents.  And sometimes, this is even true in marriages.  In this article, when Eun-joo Kim talks about her husband, she mentions that his relationship with his mother is one of "master-servant" or "codependency."  If the wife perceives her husband's relationship with his mother this way, I think it's likely that this is not a healthy relationship.  No matter how "ideal" it may seem to others, once you know the underlying issues, it may reveal serious psychological and emotional problems.  Among the serious psychological and emotional issues, I take very seriously what Eun-joo Kim describes in the article as ‘it must have been like a prison,’ and I consider it a very serious matter when parents psychologically or emotionally imprison their children.  So, I am constantly reflecting on myself before God, examining whether I might be committing the sin of imprisoning my children psychologically or emotionally, and I am fighting with myself in this area.  I hope that my wife and children can be free in the Lord.  To do that, I want to live as a free person in the Lord first.  The reason I take this seriously is that, generally speaking, parents can unknowingly imprison their children psychologically or emotionally, chaining them with psychological or emotional bonds.  I don't believe that this ends when parents die.  What that means is that even after our parents are gone, our children can still live in psychological or emotional "prison" because of us.  That’s why the verse I love and hold onto is, "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:32).  I believe that many people today are living in "prison" in various ways.  On the surface, they may appear very free, but it seems that many are living in psychological or emotional "prison."  And if they are spiritually living in prison …

 

In this article, Eun-joo Kim mentions that she believes her husband sought an escape through marriage, and she admits, I too had many concerns and conflicts about my family.  I won't deny that I rushed into marriage because I wanted to leave home.’  The statement ‘Both of us wanted to leave our families, and at the time, we believed we loved each other’ is, I think, a precious confession.  It is important because we need to be honest with ourselves.  In other words, before marriage, we need to clearly examine why we want to marry this person and face the motivations in our hearts.  If, like Eun-joo Kim, the reason for getting married is to escape from many concerns and conflicts at home, then it is risky.  At the time, one might be filled with the expectation of leaving home ... thinking that living just with this person will make you happy, and so on.  But if you marry (or rush into marriage) for these reasons, you could face significant difficulties later, like Eun-joo Kim did.  It's not necessarily because of your spouse or your children, but you might suffer from immense guilt, self-blame, and distress because of the negative effects you have on them due to your own actions.  Marriage is not an escape. ‘If the purpose of marriage is not marriage itself, but something else, it is easy to become unhappy.  Of course, everyone may have different reasons for marriage, but the value of those additional purposes should not be exaggerated.  If you married to escape a difficult reality, at first, you might be satisfied because you achieved that goal.  But every choice comes with a cost.  For example, the emotional pain that often arises from conflicts with your husband or your in-laws’ (Dr. Kim).

 

(6)    ‘Personally, I think that nowadays, a relationship where we can respect and trust each other, and maintain the closest bond, is perhaps the most important condition for happiness.’ (Dr. Kim)

 

I agree with this statement.  I also believe that ‘a relationship where we can respect and trust each other,’ whether in a marriage, parent-child relationship, or any other human relationship, is an important condition for happiness.  Especially, I ask the question, "Where does the ability to maintain the most intimate relationship come from?"  The reason I ask this is because I believe such ability does not come from within us.  However, if we believe that this ability lies within us, and try to maintain an intimate relationship in a marriage or any other relationship based on self-centered abilities, I believe that relationship will eventually break down.  This is why I consider it extremely important, especially in my relationship with my wife and with each of my three children, to prioritize the relationship I have with the Lord . I am making an effort and praying for the relationship with the Lord—my relationship with Him, my wife’s relationship with Him, and each of my children’s relationship with Him.  I believe that only when my relationship with the Lord is maintained can I truly have an intimate and lasting relationship with my loved ones.  For example, I believe that in order to have (horizontal) intimate fellowship within not only the family community but also the church community, it is impossible to have genuine fellowship without first having (vertical) intimate fellowship with the Lord.  Specifically, if a husband/father like myself, who is the head of the household, neglects intimate fellowship with the Lord, the consequences will not only affect my relationship and fellowship with my wife but also have a significant impact on my relationship and fellowship with my three children and with the church members, and indeed, all human relationships.  Therefore, one of the important lessons I am learning is that just as the Lord loves me, I must love myself with His love, and just as the Lord sees me as precious and honorable, I must treat myself that way (love myself in that way) and, in turn, love and treat my wife, children, and others in the same manner.  I am striving, albeit imperfectly, to practice this lesson in my life.

 

(7)    ‘Sex is not just a product of simple instinct.  While there is the biological purpose of having children, it is also an important means of communication for sharing emotions and maintaining intimacy.’ (Dr. Kim)

 

I agree with this. Of these two purposes of sex, I prioritize having children.  The basis for my thinking is Malachi 2:15 (https://blog.naver.com/kdicaprio74/221322162543).  And I think it's important to say that sex is "an important means of communication to maintain intimacy" in a marital relationship.  The reason is that I think one of the purposes of marriage is to "avoid sexual immorality" (1 Corinthians 7:2-3) (https://blog.naver.com/kdicaprio74/221322161982).  I think sex is important in a marital relationship.  In particular, I think it's a warning sign that the number of "sexless couples" (sex less than 10 times a year, sex less than once a month) is increasing these days. I think couples should enjoy sex and give each other sexual satisfaction.  Going a little further, I think couples should enjoy sex with each other. I think it's a precious gift from God.  And I think couples should enjoy talking about sex, and even more so, I think parents should talk to their (older) children about sex.

 

(8)    ‘Then, are you suggesting that I should get a divorce?’ (Eun-joo Kim)  ‘The choice is yours, Eun-joo.’ (Dr. Kim)

 

The reason I majored in psychology during college was because I heard that it would help me counsel the congregation when I became a pastor.  After graduating from college, I entered seminary to study biblical counseling, and during this time, I realized how humanistic and person-centered the psychology I had studied in college was.  As I studied biblical counseling, I became interested in it and began buying books to read outside of the seminary curriculum.  Even now, I am still learning about it.  Relating this to the point made in this article (point 8), I learned that when someone requests counseling (whether a church member or someone I know, a client, etc.) and asks the counselor (in this case, "Dr. Kim"), "Are you suggesting that I should get a divorce?" we should not respond with, "Yes, get a divorce."  Instead, as Dr. Kim said, we should answer, "The choice is yours, Eun-joo."  The reason I am mentioning this briefly is that, when counseling someone who is struggling in their marriage and confiding in you, because you love them, you might get emotionally involved in their feelings and complain together about their spouse.  But we should question whether this is what the Lord would want.  Especially when someone asks, "I’m thinking of getting a divorce, should I or shouldn't I?" — we should refrain from saying, "Yes, if it were me, I’d get a divorce..."  We must be careful not to influence others to make choices based on our personal opinions.

 

(9)    ‘I'm the eldest daughter, but I was just born first by chance.  It's not something I wanted.  Even so, do I have to give in, take responsibility, and sacrifice?  Is that what makes me a good daughter?’ (Eun-joo Kim)

 

As the eldest daughter, Eun-joo Kim asked Dr. Kim, “Do I have to give in, take responsibility, and sacrifice?”  This statement resonates with me.  The reason is that I think my wife, as the eldest daughter, has been "giving in, taking responsibility, and sacrificing."  Especially the word "give in"... sigh...  As I shared before, when we lived in Korea, I came to understand through a major conflict with my wife that, while she had lived by sacrificing and giving in, she did not want her eldest son to live that way, sacrificing (giving in) as well.  This cannot be emphasized enough.  In spiritual maturity, we must learn to give in and taste the joy of sacrifice, like Jesus.  They say they dislike the "good man," but I think living as a "good daughter" can significantly affect relationships, both with a spouse and children.

 

(10)             ‘I understand your decision, Eun-joo.  The problem is that the unfortunate outcome of such a marriage is something you will have to bear entirely.’ (Dr. Kim)

 

Why did Eun-joo marry that man, and why did Dr. Kim say he "understands" her words but, more importantly, emphasized that Eun-joo would have to bear the "unfortunate consequences of such a marriage"?  This brings to mind that beyond the choice to marry, we continue making countless choices throughout life, and we need to recognize the "consequences" of those choices, even if it takes time.  I believe that if we still have the opportunity, we should seize it and, through repentance and restoration, seek God's guidance and rely on Him completely.  Ideally, we would have the wisdom to make those choices before experiencing the consequences, rather than realizing them too late. It makes me wonder how many young couples truly have that wisdom when they marry, but those who humbly prepare and trust in God will likely make wise choices.  I pray that my children will make such wise decisions.  Furthermore, I have repeatedly advised my children to focus on the character and sincerity of their future spouse. The reason is that while someone might claim to be a Christian, their character may not reflect the image of Jesus, and they might not be truthful, engaging in lies and deceit.  I worry about them encountering such a partner.  Also, having personally experienced the painful consequences of one wrong choice before marriage and seeing loved ones suffer from it, I have occasionally discussed the outcomes of such choices with my children.

 

(11)             ‘Shouldn't the parents and siblings, with whom we've shared the most time, be the ones with whom we have the most comfortable relationship?’ (Eun-joo Kim)

 

But in reality, "harmonious (or peaceful) families" are not as common as we might think.  Of course, on the outside, many families may appear to be harmonious.  However, I believe that "families that are not harmonious" are not few, but rather quite a lot.  How could there be no conflicts within families?  Disagreements, arguments, wounds, pain, and tears... two sinners come together to form a marriage, so how much more will they sin against each other, right? Haha.  Nevertheless, we believe in the death of Jesus on the cross, in the forgiveness of sins, and in the fact that Jesus broke down the wall of separation between Jews and Gentiles, bringing reconciliation through His death.  We are committed to living lives worthy of the gospel, continually fighting ourselves, seeking to obey the Lord's word, and building a harmonious family.  Therefore, "the parents and siblings with whom we have spent the most time should be the ones with whom we have the most comfortable relationship."  If the relationship is so uncomfortable that we want to avoid or distance ourselves from it, well ... I suppose we should seriously reflect, pray, and think about whether we are truly a community that reflects Jesus’ light and serves as salt, as a harmonious family believing in Jesus.

 

(12)             ‘The world has changed a lot, but one thing that hasn't changed is that family remains the most important value for everyone. ...  We need to know each other more, and by doing so, we can understand each other more in order to become a happy family.  'The more you know, the happier the family becomes.'  So, if you truly want family happiness, you need to understand, communicate, and love more.  Family happiness is not a gift that comes by chance. If you want to be happy, you have to put in the effort.’ (Dr. Kim)

 

There’s one last thing I want to reflect on. "Family remains the most important value for everyone, and that hasn’t changed."  I fully agree with the statement that we need to "know each other more, and therefore understand each other more" in such an important family.  Of course, how can we ever fully know someone?  However, I believe that until the day I die, I need to continue learning about my wife and also my children.  In this process of understanding, I place great importance on 'heart-to-heart communication.'  As I try to put this into practice, I follow three principles [These principles are things I apply to all my personal relationships].  The three principles are: (a) honesty, (b) transparency, and (c) vulnerability.  So, I strive to open my heart first, sharing my thoughts honestly and transparently.  This sharing of my heart is not only for conversations with my spouse but also for conversations with my three children, where I aim to apply these three principles.  When I do this, I experience the Lord’s work a lot.  By getting to know each other in the Lord, we understand each other, love each other as we are, but also with hope—understanding, accepting, and enduring each other.  I experience how He helps us love each other.  And I want to love more with the Lord's love, so I want to understand and communicate more.