In memory of my beloved first daughter, Joo-young (Charis)

In memory of my beloved first daughter,

Joo-young (Charis)

 

  

 

Today, April 27th, 2023, marks the 25th anniversary of the day our beloved daughter Joo-young (Charis - meaning 'grace' in Greek) fell asleep (passed away) in my arms, a precious gift of grace from the Lord to my wife and me.  I want to share a letter from my heart that I wrote to Joo-young on March 30, 1998:

 

To my beloved Joo-young (Charis), who loves Jesus,

 

Every time I look at you, Joo-young, and see that you are still alive by God’s grace, I give thanks to the Lord.  As I come to see you every day, I see how God extends your life, and I realize that God is training our faith as parents.  When you get a little better, I rejoice with thankfulness, and when you get worse, I can’t help but worry.  In these moments, I see that our faith is weak, and instead of trusting in the faithful Lord, we are looking for some visible evidence.  When I think about whether this is the kind of faith God desires for us, I feel ashamed.  I confess our sins before God, and I make a firm resolve to look only to the Lord as I care for you, Joo-young.

 

Someday, when I go to find Joo-young and open my mouth to express my heart to her, I will call out to her, saying, "To my beloved Joo-young, who loves Jesus," but I will forget the words I want to say.  When I think about the pain Joo-young is enduring, I feel ashamed as a father to approach her.  When I compare Joo-young's short three weeks of life to my 30 years, I realize how much suffering she must have gone through, and that thought makes me unable to speak.  In that moment, seeing Joo-young peacefully lying there, I felt a deep emotional pain in my heart, and my heart shed tears.  I, as a father, who has never even heard the sound of Joo-young’s crying, am still praying today, hoping that, by God’s grace, Joo-young will be made complete, and that she will be able to express her pain through crying while being held in her mother’s arms in a healthy body.  I am waiting for that moment.

 

                Dear Joo-young, my beloved, every time I see that you recognize your father’s voice, my heart is filled with joy.  Furthermore, when I see you, despite the difficulty, trying to open your eyes to see your father, my heart overflows with tears of gratitude.  There are moments when I see you looking directly at my face with your eyes wide open, and in those moments, I, too, look into your eyes, hoping to read your heart. I wonder, as I think about the tubes in your mouth, unable to cry or make a sound, what you might be trying to say to me.  My dear Joo-young, don’t you want to be healthy so that you can cry out freely?  You must be in a lot of pain, but don’t you want to open your mouth and cry out?  One day, I believe without a doubt, I will see the day when you are in your mother’s arms, crying freely, and then peacefully falling asleep.  Until that day comes, my dear Joo-young, you must be strong.  Mommy and daddy, too, will remain strong in our faith in the Lord, and we will patiently wait for that day, trusting in Him.

 

 

 

 

In the Lord,

 

 

Your loving father

(March 30, 1998)