The Pleaser Love Style

The Pleaser Love Style

 

 

 

 

                Last night before going to bed, I had a conversation with my beloved wife about an essay I wrote titled The Avoider Love Style.  My wife agreed with me when I mentioned that I am “hyper-independent” and tend to draw boundaries too clearly.  During our honest conversation, I confessed to her, ‘I don’t even know why I am this way.’  In response, she embraced me and said, ‘It’s okay. God knows.’  Her words deeply comforted my heart.  Even though I’ve been trying to understand myself better by reading Chapter 5 of HOW WE LOVE, where the authors discuss The Avoider Love Style, reflecting on myself through their insights, and writing about it, I still feel like I don’t fully know myself.  However, I found comfort and strength in my wife’s words that our all-knowing Creator, who made me, knows me best.  During our conversation yesterday, I shared with her that Chapter 5 of the book HOW WE LOVE, which I’ve been reading, is about The Avoider Love Style and that it seemed to describe me.  After writing about it and discussing it with her, I mentioned that the next chapter, Chapter 6, is titled The Pleaser Love Style.  Her response was, ‘That’s me.’  Haha.  I had already thought of her while reading Chapter 6, and hearing her say that made me want to read it again, this time reflecting on it from my perspective as her husband.  The reason is that I hope to better understand her and strive, even just a little, to love her from her perspective with the love of the Lord (I also hope that my beloved wife will read this and join me in a conversation about it) (In fact, I wasn’t able to finish writing this yesterday, but during dinner with my beloved wife, we had an in-depth conversation about The Pleaser Love Style.  I’m grateful because, through her honest sharing, I learned things about her that I hadn’t known in our nearly 28 years of marriage).

 

1.       Some children experience a lot of anxiety as they grow up because their overprotective parents worry excessively about them (p. 73).  Alternatively, parents who are often angry or overly critical can also, often unintentionally, instill this anxiety in their children.  As a result, these children learn to avoid criticism or anger (p. 74).  “A youngster adopts the role of the good boy or good girl in an attempt to gain approval or recognition and to reduce tension in the parent or the family by pleasing rather than causing problems” (p. 74).  While reading this part, I couldn’t help but think that perhaps my wife experienced a lot of anxiety growing up because her overprotective mother worried excessively about her.  According to my wife, she often heard critical remarks from her mother rather than praise.  I believe this was because my mother-in-law loved her so deeply that she had high expectations for her, which led to such comments.  As a result, my wife didn’t feel properly acknowledged or approved by her mother.  At the same time, it seems to me that my wife took on the role of the ‘obedient daughter,’ sacrificing her own desires to avoid causing problems and to gain her mother’s approval or recognition.  Perhaps she absorbed a great deal of tension and sought to alleviate her anxiety by making her parents happy.  She likely didn’t have the opportunity to contemplate or process the anxiety driving her own relational style because she had to be aware of and take responsibility for her parents’ emotions (“These children absorb a lot of tension and try to find relief for their own anxiety by making others happy. Being aware of and responsible for the feelings of others, the pleaser has no opportunity to contemplate or process the anxiety driving his or her own relational style”) (p. 74).

 

2.       “In adult relationships, the underlying motivation for being in the helping role and focusing on the needs of others is to reduce one’s own anxiety by keeping people close, content, and satisfied.  When those around pleasers are happy, they are happy too.  If others are upset, pleasers are distressed as well.  When others distance themselves, detach, or are angry, the result is space in the relationship.  This space causes agitation and drives the pleaser into pursuit mode in an effort to close the gap.  …  After pleasers pend a number of years of chronic worry and over giving, resentment often emerges” (p. 74).  As I read this passage, I find myself reflecting on my relationship with my wife from her perspective.  From her point of view, if I am happy, she is happy as well, so she focuses on meeting my needs in pursuit of a fulfilling relationship with me.  However, in our current relationship, I realize that my “hyper-independent” nature may be causing a gap between us.  When I stubbornly refuse things she wants to do together, this space in our relationship could very likely trigger anxiety for her.

 

3.       Parents with unhealthy fears and worries often struggle with letting a child go and relinquishing control (pp. 74-75).  “Fearful parents need control in order to minimize risk.  In many respects, this dynamic becomes more about the parents’ attempts to reduce their own anxiety by being in charge, rather than about their teaching the child to conquer his or her fears”) (p. 75).  As I read this passage, I believe that parents with a lot of fear and worry, not wanting their children to get hurt, try to control their children in order to reduce their own anxiety, and may even manipulate their children.  These parents, in turn, do everything they can to keep their children close or make them live near them.  As a result, these parents become excessively devoted to helping their children.  They give their children all the help they can, sending a harmful message: “You can’t do it by yourself; you need my help” (p. 75).  Parents who are filled with worry and fear and cannot let go of their children in faith cannot tolerate the idea of their children choosing for themselves and experiencing failure.  As a result, their children grow up unable to overcome their own fears. Over time, this leads to a codependent relationship between the parents and children [‘A codependent relationship is one in which one or both individuals are experiencing difficulties due to poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or lack of achievement, and the dynamics of the relationship only worsen the situation.  One or both parties may begin to neglect other areas of their lives in order to please the other person.  Their extreme devotion to the other can harm other important relationships, such as friendships, education or career opportunities, or daily responsibilities.  Those who feel codependent or rely on someone with these traits may struggle to maintain a balanced, reciprocal relationship.  They often end up depending on the other’s sacrifice or deprivation rather than encouraging the other person to thrive.  ...  This can hinder the growth of individuals or couples and leave little room for independent thought or action’ (Internet)].

 

4.       I believe that children who cannot leave the ‘safe nest’ created by their parents are mentally and emotionally bound by their parents’ worries and fears, and as a result, they are unable to fully experience freedom due to the unhealthy relationship with their parents.  I think the negative impact of parents who are filled with so much fear and worry on their children is extremely serious.  Parents who constantly worry about their children, and who try to relieve their own fears and anxieties by nagging and meddling in everything, create an environment that suffocates their children with fear and worry.  Such parents, in many ways, turn their children into disabled individuals.  For example, I believe such children are bound to become mentally disabled.  Even if these children physically leave their parents' "nest" by struggling to break free (for example, moving to a distant college dorm), I think there are cases where they cannot mentally detach from their parents.  The reason for this is that the child has already been conditioned by the many negative influences from their parents, who are filled with worry and fear.  As a result, even if the child is physically far away from their parents, they may still feel mentally connected to them.  This mental connection, being unhealthy, can cause the child significant emotional turmoil, confusion, and distress.  Moreover, if the emotional bond between the child and the parents is a dysfunctional one, the child may love their parents but also harbor hatred towards them (a mix of love and hate). I believe that this very serious and toxic relationship between parents and children can prevent the child from experiencing mental or emotional freedom for their entire life.  Even if the parents die, the child may still remain bound by the negative influence of the parents, unable to fully experience freedom, which poses a great risk to their well-being.

 

5.       When children who are bound by fear and worry from their parents grow up and get married, they may become anxious when their husbands want to spend time alone or with friends (p. 83).  In our case, because I am hyper-independent, I think my wife may feel anxious when I establish clear boundaries with her and am comfortable being alone.  “While the avoider may prefer to be alone, pleasers actually feel lost and anxious when they’re isolated” (p. 84).  Of course, my wife has improved a lot and doesn't feel anxious like she did at the beginning of our marriage.  However, I still think that since my wife has not yet fully embraced independence like I have, she might try to please me in order to alleviate her anxiety when I want to be alone. In doing so, she might try even harder to spend more time together, because that might help her reduce her anxiety to some extent.

 

6.       “Making decisions requires a level of self-reliance and self-confidence.  Decision making becomes difficult when we are overly concerned about rejection or making others mad” (p. 84).  The reason this phrase makes me think for a moment is that, in my opinion, my wife finds it very difficult to make decisions.  While she has improved a lot since the early days of our marriage, I still think she struggles with decision-making.  To that extent, it seems that my wife worries excessively about being rejected or making others angry.  As a pleaser, she is naturally sensitive to other people's reactions, because if others are happy, she will be happy too.  So, if my wife wants to make decisions about things she wants to do with me, hoping to make me happy by pleasing me, she must be very mindful when we discuss it. Ha ha.  It’s not a laughing matter, but the reason I laugh is that just yesterday, while we were having dinner, my wife was talking about her Korean marathon group, which has a year-end meeting in mid-December. She asked me via text whether I would go with her, and after asking, she thought a lot about whether I would be uncomfortable if I said "yes" and went. Haha. If I (being an avoider) go there and don’t know anyone (except her), and feel uncomfortable, it would mean that I’m not making her happy, so from her perspective, it’s understandable that she would be worried and anxious.  So, after sending me the invitation for the year-end gathering via KakaoTalk yesterday, my wife wrote, ‘Should I go or not???’ and sent it to me. Haha.  In the end, while we were having dinner yesterday, my wife talked to her running friend to find out what would be happening at the year-end gathering (since I wanted to know), and we agreed to discuss it further and make a decision later. Haha.

 

7.       “Fearful pleasers usually control in passive ways with one purpose in mind: to keep others close to them. When people around them detach emotionally or physically, the pleasers' apprehensions intensify”) (pp. 85-86). When I think about this phrase, I realize that my wife, as a pleaser, wants to keep me close, while I, as an avoider, tend to be overly independent and prefer to have some distance from her, enjoying my own time alone.  Our marriage is like that. Haha.  However, as I reflect on how different we are, I believe I can see God's providence in it through the lens of faith.  Yesterday, I shared my thoughts with my wife: ‘I think God paired you and me together to make us husband and wife because, as an avoider who is overly independent, He wants me to believe in Him and fully support you, the pleaser.  This way, you can feel more confident and do things like run without me and even go rock climbing with other men.  You’ve gained a lot of confidence in doing things on your own.’  So, I see that my wife is becoming more and more capable of doing things by herself, even without me.  She no longer feels anxious or afraid when we are apart.  To me, this feels like God's providence in bringing together an avoider like me and a pleaser like her to be married. Haha.

 

8.       “As a result, time management can be a problem as their schedule becomes overcrowded and unmanageable in their attempts to make everyone happy” (p. 86).  As I read this passage, I thought of my wife because, as a pleaser, she often struggled with time management in her efforts to satisfy everyone in our family.  For example, when we used to talk about doing something together as a family, she wanted to please not just me as her husband but also our children.  Planning everything on time and putting it into action became a burden and a source of stress for her.  So, I believe that managing time according to a schedule has always been very difficult for her, and it still doesn’t seem easy.  As a pleaser, she naturally tends to think a lot while trying to make everyone happy, and she is not the type to quickly organize those thoughts and take immediate action.  On the other hand, I, as an avoider, am overly independent and make little effort to please or satisfy others, so deciding something and putting it into action isn’t very difficult for me.  From my wife’s perspective, it might seem like I manage my time easily, and at the same time, she may feel guilty for not being able to manage time like I do.  She might also feel that she fails to please me, someone who values punctuality. In the differences between us as a couple, I see God's providence.  Over time, my wife has started to consult with me before making decisions. She listens to my opinions and then decides on her own, which helps her save time and reduce stress.  I increasingly see God's providence in how He uses our strengths to complement each other’s weaknesses, and I am learning to perceive this with eyes of faith. 

 

9.       “Pleasers are good givers, but lousy receivers.  When asked what they want or feel, pleasers often don’t know” (p. 86).  People like me, who are avoiders, enjoy receiving, but my wife, who is a pleaser, is good at giving but struggles with receiving.  In fact, even when I give her something, she doesn’t always accept it completely. Haha.  In my opinion, love isn’t just about giving; it’s also about humbly receiving, but my wife, being considerate and thoughtful, enjoys giving gifts that she believes the other person will like. However, even when I, as her husband, try to give her something out of love and thoughtfulness, she doesn’t always fully receive my gesture (She may not agree with me on this point, though).  To put it more bluntly, I think my wife is not very good at receiving. Doesn’t it sound a bit ironic?  A person like my wife, who tries so hard to please others and considers their needs, ends up being somewhat awkward at receiving gifts from her husband, which means she might not fully understand or appreciate my intentions. Haha.

 

10.    “Pleasers tend to be hyperalert about possible fearful responses from others, so they may overemphasize the need for protection” (p. 87).  People like me, who are avoiders, enjoy receiving, but my wife, who is a pleaser, is good at giving but struggles with receiving.  In fact, even when I give her something, she doesn’t always accept it completely.  Haha.  In my opinion, love isn’t just about giving; it’s also about humbly receiving, but my wife, being considerate and thoughtful, enjoys giving gifts that she believes the other person will like.  However, even when I, as her husband, try to give her something out of love and thoughtfulness, she doesn’t always fully receive my gesture (She may not agree with me on this point, though).  To put it more bluntly, I think my wife is not very good at receiving.  Doesn’t it sound a bit ironic?  A person like my wife, who tries so hard to please others and considers their needs, ends up being somewhat awkward at receiving gifts from her husband, which means she might not fully understand or appreciate my intentions. 😄