How to build strong trust with a loved one?

How to build strong trust with a loved one?

 

 

 

 

 

“Trust not only needs to be build, but it needs to be protected.” 

[Paul David Tripp, “What did you Expect?”]

                                                     

 

 

            It seems like we live in a world where there's no one to trust.  Many people are disappointed and hurt after trusting others.  As a result, many are hesitant to trust anyone.  Even in marriage, couples often fail to fully trust each other.  In fact, many couples seem to be filled with doubt. Some may suspect that their husband or wife is having an affair with someone else.  Particularly when trust has already been broken, like in cases of infidelity, trusting that spouse again can feel like a huge risk.  In this world, we are living in a time where we can't even trust those we love.  So, what should we, as Christians, do in this world of distrust?  We must build deep trust with the people we love, especially with our spouses, whom God has brought into our lives. But how do we do this?  Here are four things to consider:

 

First, in order to build deep trust with someone we love, we must first trust God.

 

              The ultimate reason why people who love each other fail to trust one another is because they do not trust God.  For example, couples who do not trust God cannot trust each other.  This is because only when there is trust in the vertical relationship with God can there be trust in the horizontal relationship with a loving spouse.  Therefore, the first thing we must do to build deep trust with the ones we love is to trust God. Proverbs 3:5 tells us: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."  Just as this verse says, we must trust God with all our hearts.  However, there are elements that hinder us from trusting God with all our hearts.  One of those elements is relying on our own understanding. This is our instinct.  Our instinct is not to trust God with all our hearts but to rely on our own understanding (knowledge).  If we try to trust the person we love while relying on our own understanding, it will be unstable.  This is because the source of trust is not God, but ourselves. If we trust ourselves more than God, we cannot fully trust anyone else, let alone the person we love.  Because we trust ourselves more than anyone else, we may think that we are trusting the person we love, but that trust will be insecure.  It can break at any time.  This is why Jesus did not entrust Himself to people (John 2:24).  The reason is that Jesus "knew what was in a man" (v. 25).   Therefore, in order to build deep trust with the ones we love, we must first trust God rather than people.  Only by trusting God can we trust those we love.

 

              Second, in order to build deep trust with the person we love, we must give trust to them by trusting in God.

 

Those who love each other must trust each other because they trust God.  The more they trust God, the more they will be able to trust each other.  When trusting one another, those who love each other should first give trust to their partner before expecting it.  They should give trust not only when there seems to be something trustworthy in the other person but even when it seems there is nothing trustworthy.  They should give trust because they trust God, regardless of what they see in the other person.  Just as God's love is unconditional, we must love the person we love unconditionally.  And if we love unconditionally, we must also give trust unconditionally to the one we love.  Even if the person we love breaks our trust and betrays us, we must give trust to them because we trust God.  Now, if the person we love breaks our trust and betrays us, what should we do?  This is a question we may very well ask.  And the reason we ask such a question is likely because we do not fully trust God and instead trust our own understanding more.  When we trust ourselves more than God, we may end up questioning, “What if I give my trust to the person I love and get betrayed?”  This is an inevitable question that arises from doubt and insecurity.  When we rely on our own understanding, we cannot fully trust anyone (even our beloved spouse).  Therefore, we must trust in God and give trust to the spouse we love.  However, many times, because we trust ourselves more than God, instead of giving trust to our spouse, we expect to receive trust from them.  When we do not receive that trust, we become upset or even angry.  This is a relationship centered on people.  If we have a relationship centered on people, we will expect to receive rather than give (and it becomes selfish).  However, if our marriage is God-centered, we will prefer to give rather than expect to receive from our spouse (and it becomes selfless).  Couples with a God-centered marriage give unconditional love to each other first and also give unconditional trust to each other first.  Even if they are betrayed by their beloved spouse, couples with a God-centered marriage look to and rely on Jesus, who was betrayed by His people, and through this, they overcome the battle within themselves.  In the process, they forgive the spouse who betrayed them with God's love.  From a human perspective, this may seem impossible, but if we trust God, it is absolutely possible.  God can make it possible. And by trusting in Him, we must give trust to the ones we love.

 

            Third, in order to trust the people we love, we must be truthful before them, just as we are truthful before God.

 

              Those who love each other must be sincere Christians.  And those who love each other must be honest.  They must not lie to each other.  They should not deceive each other. They must be truthful not only before God but also before one another.  To the extent that they can say to each other, "God is my witness" (Philippians 1:8), they must be truthful.  God sees everything about us. God knows all our thoughts.  Therefore, just as we are truthful before God, we must also be truthful before the people we love.  To do this, we must have honest, clear, and transparent conversations with the people we love. In our conversations, we should engage in "other-centered" communication rather than "self-centered" communication.  This means that when we speak, we should not speak with the intent of getting something from the other person, but we should speak with the intention of doing something for them.  That is what builds up the person we love.  On the other hand, words that tear down the person we love are those used to manipulate or extract something from them. We should avoid such words.  We must also not deceive the people we love. Just as we do not deceive God, we should not deceive the people we love. Just as we are honest, clear, and transparent in our prayers to God, we should also be honest, clear, and transparent in our conversations with those we love.  We must speak the truth in our hearts (Ps. 15:2). Truthful lips will endure forever (Proverbs 12:19).  Just as all of God’s works are true (Psalms 33:4), we too must act in truth. We must be committed to keeping the promises we make to the people we love, whether big or small.  By doing so, we can build trust in our relationship with them.  Thus, we must love one another in truth (1 John 3:18).  We must become truthful people and trust each other (Proverbs 25:19).

 

              Fourth and last, in order to trust the people we love, we must acknowledge our mistakes and ask for forgiveness when we wrong them. And we must be committed to change.

 

              Those who love each other can certainly make mistakes.  When they do not fully trust God and rely on their own understanding, they may struggle to trust each other completely and may even doubt each other.  This doubt can develop into distrust.  This distrust creates dissatisfaction in their hearts, which leads to complaining with their lips and disobedience toward each other.  The dissatisfaction in their hearts can even lead them to be dishonest and speak lies to one another.  And when they lie, they may try to justify their actions, rationalizing the lie as a "good lie" or as something done for the sake of their loved one.  However, a lie is still a lie, and it is unprofitable (Jeremiah 7:8).  We are told not to deceive one another or lie to each other (Leviticus 19:11, Colossians 3:9).   Furthermore, we should not commit acts of deceit against one another. We should not deceive the people we love.  However, if we have deceived the person we love and lied to them, we must ask for their forgiveness.  We need to confess our wrongs to them openly and honestly.  Moreover, we must commit to never repeating the same mistakes again and show that commitment through our actions.  Not only that, when the person we love asks for forgiveness for their own wrongs, we must forgive them.  However, when we forgive, we must not keep a record of their wrongs in our hearts for a long time (1 Corinthians 13:5).  Just as God, in His great mercy, has blotted out our transgressions (Psalms 51:1), we must erase the wrongs they have committed against us from our hearts.  We should also commit to loving them with God's unchanging love.  Furthermore, we must recommit to trusting them.  We should view our relationship with the person we love as an opportunity for transformation in Christ.  Therefore, we should grow together with our loved one in the Lord. We must be built up as mature individuals.

 

 

 

Trusting my beloved wife because I trust in God,

 

 

 

James Kim Sharing

(August 5, 2014, As I live with my beloved wife in the Lord, my trust in her grows more and more)