The negative influence received from our parents.

The negative influence received from our parents.

 

 

 

A few weeks ago, I met a brother in Christ at a restaurant in Koreatown and had a heartfelt conversation while we were eating.  After the meal, we moved to a Korean coffee shop and continued our conversation.  During that time, I thought it would be a good idea to meet with his wife as well, and have a conversation with both of them.  The reason I said this was that I suspected his wife might have experienced some past wounds from her parents.  So yesterday, on Sunday afternoon, I met with the brother and his wife, and we had an open and honest conversation.  Afterward, this morning, my wife and I discussed the conversations we had during our meeting yesterday, and we had a meaningful dialogue about our own family, including our beloved son Dillon and his wife Jessica.  Reflecting on all of these conversations, I want to take the time to write down each one and share my thoughts.

 

1.       As we grow up, there are certainly good influences we receive from our parents, but at the same time, there are also clearly negative influences.

 

2.       However, it seems that we are often unaware of the negative influences we received from our parents, and even if we are aware, we do not fully recognize them.  As a result, we sometimes unconsciously speak and act like our parents.

 

3.       Eventually, through conflicts with our spouse, we may begin to recognize, even if just a little, the negative influences we received from our parents, often in the midst of pain and struggle, through God's grace.

 

4.       Especially for a husband or wife who tends to be a people-pleaser, through marital conflicts, they may find time to reflect on themselves and, in the midst of deep thought and struggles, become aware of the negative influences they received from their parents.  Particularly when their spouse is an avoider—someone excessively independent—the people-pleasing husband or wife, who may not have deeply thought about their actions, could find themselves hurt by the direct, blunt words their spouse says without much thought.  As a result, the people-pleaser may start to reflect deeply on themselves and, through this self-reflection, recognize and acknowledge (even if just a little) the negative influences they received from their parents.

 

5.       However, a more serious issue seems to be that the husband or wife who tries to please others, due to the negative influences they received from their own parents, may carry an excessive sense of guilt toward their spouse.  In trying to make their spouse happy (perhaps because making their spouse happy makes them feel happy too?), they risk allowing their spouse to sit on the throne of their heart.  Before marriage, the throne of their heart was occupied by the mother and/or father, who had a significant negative influence on them.  But after marriage, they replace that position with their spouse.  The reason this seems like a serious problem to me is that the throne of our hearts should be occupied by the King of Kings, the Lord.  If anyone other than the Lord—whether it's their mother, father, or spouse—is sitting in that place, it becomes a form of idol worship.

 

6.       Parents or spouses can indeed become idols in our hearts to that extent.  However, this idolatrous mindset does not end with replacing the idolatry of our parents with the idolatry of our spouse.  There is a real risk of excessively or overly idolizing our children, placing them in an idolized position.

 

7.       Through the great love and grace of God, even through the great crisis in our family, we are able to reflect on ourselves.  In the process of self-reflection, we recognize and repent of the sin of idolizing the family members we excessively love, thereby removing all idols from our hearts.  We then allow the Lord to sit on the throne of our hearts.

 

8.       After doing this, we humbly yield to the Lord’s authority, allowing Him to govern our relationship as a couple, and we trust and place our marriage in His hands by faith.

 

9.       When we do this, through the eyes of faith, we begin to see how the Lord is working remarkably in our marriage, bringing together the strengths and weaknesses of both spouses (the husband/wife who seeks to please others and the spouse who tends to avoid) to complement each other in His amazing work.

 

10.    Furthermore, as we experience how much the Lord loves our marriage, we gradually gain freedom from the negative influences of our parents and are slowly built up into a Lord-centered marriage.