When mom and dad argue, how difficult must it be for the child's heart?

When mom and dad argue,
how difficult must it be for the child's heart?

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday, Thursday, I had dinner with my beloved wife and youngest daughter, Karis.  During the meal, Karis, feeling upset about the "tattoo incident," opened up and expressed her honest feelings to me.  My wife, listening beside us, became my spokesperson and defended me.  As the restaurant was about to close, I suggested continuing the conversation at home.  Back at home, Karis kept sharing what was on her mind.  This time, instead of defending me, my wife also shared some of her thoughts and feelings with me. 😊  So there I was, sitting on a chair with my hands folded (almost as if in prayer 😂), listening intently to the words of my beloved wife and daughter, Karis.  It felt like I was on the verge of a double nosebleed! 😂  I’d like to share some reflections on the conversations from yesterday as they come to mind:

 

1.      Karis mentioned that her standards for me, as her dad, had been high but that she felt she should lower them.  I responded by saying, “Thank you,” in a way that acknowledged her words.  I also told her, “As your dad, I am lacking in many ways, but my hope is that you can see the little Christ within me.”  From my perspective, Karis seems to have thought of me quite highly, perhaps even exceptionally so.  I think this is a reflection of how much she loves and respects me.  However, it seems the tattoo incident left her deeply disappointed.  Moving forward, I wouldn’t mind if Karis’s expectations of me as her dad continue to be adjusted lower. Haha.

 

2.      I responded to Karis’ words honestly (from a spiritual perspective), but as my wife listened, she shared some thoughts she had been holding back, speaking to me in front of Karis.  While spiritual conversations are important, it seemed my wife was expressing her thoughts on how I, as a father, should build a relationship and communicate with our daughter.  Then, my wife also shared some feelings of hurt she had regarding our relationship.  Listening to all of this, Karis started crying and spoke emotionally to both of us.  Usually, when her mom and I argue or fight, Karis avoids the situation.  However, this might have been the first time she faced such a moment directly, and it seemed very difficult for her.  She couldn’t take sides—neither with her dad nor her mom—and instead, she tried to remain neutral while expressing what she wanted to say.  I told Karis, “I am sorry,” because I genuinely felt apologetic toward her. I handed her a napkin, and when they weren’t looking, I wiped the tears from my own eyes with my hand.

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

 

3.      Karis seemed to feel like her mom was blaming her dad.   And in reality, my wife did express some dissatisfaction toward me.  But that’s because I haven’t been a good husband, and even now, I fall short in many ways.  So, I told my wife and Karis, “As a husband to your mom and a father to Dillon, Yeri, and Karis, I’ve been lacking and have done many things wrong.”  I also admitted that I’m not confident I’ll do better in the future.  Without God’s help, I cannot fulfill my responsibilities in this family ministry.  Hearing this, my wife also shared her own shortcomings and weaknesses.  Then Karis, in her own way, lovingly rebuked us both, saying, “Why do Mom and Dad keep putting yourselves down like this?”  Her words were a kind of loving correction.  When she said that, I had nothing to say in response.  I simply asked her, “Please pray for Mom and Dad.”  However, at that moment, Karis was so heartbroken, crying and crying—it wasn’t a situation where she could easily pray for us.  She just went back to her room.

 

I couldn’t remember all of yesterday’s long conversation, nor do I know how to properly summarize it, so I’ve decided to organize my thoughts into three key points.  However, I am grateful because I believe last night’s conversation was precious and beneficial.  In particular, as a father, I’m thankful that Karis was able to speak honestly with me and her mom, sharing what was on her heart.  I trust that the Lord will help her process and work through her thoughts as she reflects in her room, organizes her feelings, and writes in her journal.  I also sense God granting wisdom not only to me and my family but also to Karis, and I am grateful and joyful to witness this.  Last night, I also shared my heart openly with Karis.  As I observe how God is working in the hearts and lives of Dillon, Yeri, and Karis, I am continually amazed.  What’s particularly striking is that among my three children, Karis seems to resemble my spirituality the most.  I’ve translated and shared with our extended family the ministry letters, testimonies, and mission updates that Dillon, Yeri, and Karis have written.  Through their writings, I catch glimpses of God actively working in each of their lives.  And with Karis, I’ve noticed that it’s not just our taste in food that’s similar—our spirituality bears a resemblance too.  I shared this observation honestly with her last night.

 

Our marriage will require continuous effort and prayer for God’s grace until the very end of our lives.  One of the phrases my wife has likely said the most during our 26 years of marriage is “different.”  That reflects just how different we are from each other.  Yesterday, one of the things my wife said to me in front of Karis was that the walls around my heart are too high.  From her perspective, I believe this means she loves me deeply and wants to draw closer to me, but the strength and height of those walls make it difficult for her.  With a heart longing for God’s grace, I will continue prioritizing our relationship and striving to improve it.  Interestingly, after Karis left our room last night, my wife and I joyfully worked on preparations for our October trip. 😊  Of course, Karis wouldn’t know about these little moments and nuances that are part of just our relationship.

 

[One thought came to mind.  Yesterday, Karis pointed out that as a father, I may have placed too much emphasis on the independence of my children.  While all three of them have indeed become quite independent in their own ways, she felt that this focus has resulted in a lack of emotional connection between me and them.  I had nothing to say in response because she was right.  In prioritizing and perhaps overemphasizing their independence, I may have unintentionally created a situation where my children don’t feel an adequate emotional connection with me as their father.  When Karis honestly shared this with me yesterday, it made me realize the truth in her words, and I’ve been reflecting on it ever since.]