The Avoider Love Style

The Avoider Love Style

 

 

                I am currently reading a book that I received as a gift.  The title of the book is “HOW WE LOVE” (authors: Milan & Kay Yerkovich).  The main point of the book is “Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage”.  As I was reading the book, I kept thinking, “This is about me” as I read the article written by the author under the title “The Avoider Love Style” in Chapter 5.  So I am going to read the article about “The Avoider Love Style” again and reflect on myself.

 

1.      I am an avoider.  I hate conflicts and hurt feelings in relationships, so I avoid them as much as possible.  That is why I have mostly avoided conflicts between couples and still do.  In the process, I have suppressed and repressed my emotions while living my married life.  It was only through my wife that I realized that I was feeling inner anger.  Until then, I thought I was holding back my anger, not being angry.  So after our fight, I was mistaken in thinking that I was holding back my anger, so I somehow expressed my anger to my wife.  So for the first time in my life, I realized through my wife that I am a “passive-aggressive” person. Haha.  In a word, I realized that I am the type who indirectly attacks my wife. Haha.  The reason I can’t do it directly is because I am not a confrontational style.  When a conflict arises between us, I keep my mouth shut, get angry inside, and indirectly attack my wife.  I am not the type to openly and directly attack her. I am the type who finds it burdensome to directly express my angry feelings to my wife.  So one of the Bible verses that I struggle with is Proverbs 27:5: “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.”

2.      For me, the article titled “The Avoider Love Style” in the book “HOW WE LOVE” made me want to look back at the book again, reflect on myself, and write honestly.  The book says that the “avoidant love style” is “hyper-independent” (p. 59), and I agree with that.  So, an avoidant like me is used to solving things on my own and making decisions on my own.  I tend to evaluate situations, draw conclusions, and solve problems without feeling the need to consult anyone (p. 65).  So I want my wife and my children to be independent, not just myself.  But in my case, I am “very” or “too” independent, so my wife may feel isolated and lonely.  “Spouses of avoiders say they sometimes feel like they’re purposefully being ignored” (p. 65).

3.      My ‘avoidant love style’ avoids “vulnerability, emotions, neediness, honest reflection that brings self-awareness” (p. 59).  I think of myself as someone who honestly and honestly reflects on myself and shares my vulnerabilities with others.  But at some point, my wife started saying that I am someone who does not share all my vulnerabilities honestly.  To be honest, I still cannot agree with my wife’s words in my heart.  I think I believe that I live my life sharing my vulnerabilities honestly.  However, as I read and reread the article that says that the ‘avoidant love style’ avoids its own vulnerabilities, and as I reflect on myself more honestly, I cannot help but admit that I do not share my true vulnerabilities with anyone and only pray to God.

4.      My ‘avoidant love style’ may be because I received limited physical affection from my father as a child and my emotional connection with my parents was not proper, so my “emotional life is underdeveloped” (p. 59).  That’s why I still seem to be restricting my feelings and limiting my need for others in my relationship with my wife (p. 59).  So I think my answer to my life is “self-sufficiency” (p. 59).

5.      People with an “avoidant love style” like me isolate themselves when they get angry (p. 63). And since I have mastered the art of not feeling, it usually takes a great deal of stress before I experience much discomfort (p. 63).  An avoider like me have learned to comfort myself in nonrelational ways, through exercise, work, sports so when my wife is emotional upset, I may expect my wife to take care of the problem on her own because this is what I do (p. 63).

6.      A hyper-independent person like me wants to be in charge in order to keep others at a safe distance and to maintain control over my emotion (p. 64).  So I think I need to set a “healthy boundary” not only with others but also with my children and even with my wife.  This “healthy boundary” is probably a “safe distance” for me. Maybe it’s because my underdeveloped emotions don’t want to get hurt anymore.  If pushed to be vulnerable, I am likely to respond with frustration and effectively push others away (p. 64).

7.      In this way, I reread the author's writing under the title "The Avoider Love Style" in the book "HOW WE LOVE" and reflected on myself. So how should I love my wife in the future?

8.      I am trying to have the habit of speaking my thoughts, feelings, and emotions to my wife more directly and honestly.  For example, when I am offended by what my wife says, I usually don't say anything and just express it with nonverbal behavior, saying, "I'm not feeling well right now."  I am trying to recognize that and reduce it, and I will continue to try to wisely share my thoughts and emotions with my wife honestly and wisely at each time.

9.      I am not good at confronting my wife.  One of the reasons I avoid confronting my wife when we have a conflict is because I think, “No matter how much I try to express my opinion, my wife will insist on her strong opinion rather than trying to understand me.”  In particular, I almost always avoid confronting my wife in front of my children.  The reason is that I really hate showing my children that we are fighting.  So I think my children might think that my father always avoids me when I fight with my mother.  Maybe I need to change my thinking and stop avoiding my wife’s problems and start showing my children how to confront her and have a good conversation.  I need God’s grace and help.

10. I want my wife and children to be independent, not just myself.  However, I don't think I'm a hyper-independent person.  However, when I see my wife feeling a little lonely, I think I should try to be a more independent person and talk to her, make decisions, and solve problems together.