"자녀를 건강한 아이로 키우려면? 부모 자신부터 감정 다스려라 부모의 감정이 무엇보다 자녀의 감정에 큰 영향을 미친다 / 셔터스톡 부모라면 자녀의 감정을 존중하는 것의 중요성에 대해 들어봤을 것이다. 하지만 부모인 당신의 감정은 어떠한가? 임상 사회 복지사이자 심리 치료사인 힐러리 제이콥스 헨델과 심리학자이자 양육 교육자인 줄리 프라가 박사는 신간, 『부모도 감정이 있다(Parents Have Feelings, Too)』에서 통념을 뒤집었다. 즉, 정서적으로 건강한 아이를 양육할 수 있도록 하기 위해선 먼저 부모 자신의 감정을 다스릴 줄 알아야 한다는 것이 핵심 메시지다. 이들이 부모들에게 어떤 조언을 했는지 CNN과 함께 알아본다. 부모에게 가장 중요한 감정, '분노' 헨델은 부모가 다뤄야 할 6가지 핵심 감정으로 ▲분노 ▲슬픔 ▲두려움 ▲혐오 ▲기쁨 ▲흥분을 꼽았다. 그러면서 ‘분노’를 가장 중요한 핵심 감정으로 보았다. 그녀는 “분노는 파괴적인 잠재력을 가지고 있기 때문에 사람들을 곤경에 빠뜨리는 감정이며, 그래서 우리는 대개 그것을 묻어버린다. 그런데 이때 분노는 안으로 폭발하여 우울, 죄책감, 불안, 수치심으로 나타날 수 있다. 혹은 밖으로 폭발하여 공격성으로 표출될 수 있다.”고 설명했다. 중요한 것은 분노를 ‘행동’으로 옮기지 않고 ‘경험’하는 방법을 배우는 것이다. 이는 분노에 이름을 붙이고, 신체에서 어떻게 느껴지는지 알아차리고, 그 순간의 충동이 무엇인지를 인식하며, 궁극적으로는 그 에너지를 방출하는 것을 포함하는 내면의 과정이다. 이에 더해 헨델은 분노를 두 개의 분리된 단계로 이해할 필요성을 말했다. 분노를 경험하는 내적인 과정과 스스로와 가족에게 건설적인 방식으로 분노를 표현하는 외적인 과정이 그것이다. 한편, 프라가 박사는 엄마와 달리, 아빠들의 경우 ‘분노’라는 감정처리에 더욱 익숙하지 않다고 지적했다. 하지만 아빠들...
We must be dedicated to
cleansing the filth in our hearts.
After
speaking to the Pharisees and the teachers of the law (scribes), who were
making the word of God of no effect through traditions like human-made laws and
doing many similar things (Mark 7:1, 7, 13), Jesus called the crowd to Him
again and said, "Listen to me, everyone, and understand this: nothing
outside a person can defile them by going into them. Rather, it is what comes out of a person that
defiles them" (vv. 14-15, Korean Modern Bible). When He entered the house and His disciples
asked about this parable, He said to them, "Are you so dull? Don't you see that nothing that enters a
person from the outside can defile them? For it doesn't go into their heart but into
their stomach, and then out of the body" (By this, He declared all foods
clean.) "What comes out of a person is what defiles them. For it is from within, out of a person's
heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery,
greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance, and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a
person" (vv. 17-23, Korean Modern Bible).
As I reflect on these words, several thoughts come to mind::
(1) Jesus said to the crowd, “Listen to me and
understand this” (v. 14, Korean Modern Bible) [“Listen and understand” (Matthew
15:10, Korean Modern Bible)], while to His disciples He said, “Are you still so
dull?” (v. 16, Korean Modern Bible; Mark 7:18, Korean Modern Bible). This reflects that both the crowd and Jesus'
disciples did not understand this parable. However, the difference is that only Jesus'
disciples [according to Matthew 15:15 in the Korean Modern Bible, it was
"Peter" among them] asked Jesus to explain the meaning of this
parable (Mark 7:17) [asked for an explanation (Matthew 15:15, Korean Modern Bible)].
Psalms 119:169 in the Korean Modern Bible
says: “Hear my prayer, O Lord; give me understanding according to your word.” Our desire for understanding comes because
understanding comes from God (Proverbs 2:6). When we strive for understanding (v. 3) and
decide to humble ourselves before God to gain understanding, God will hear our
prayer and answer it from the first day of that decision (Daniel 10:12). The answer to that prayer will be that the
Lord gives us understanding, so that we may know the true God (1 John 5:20). In fact, the Bible says, “The fear of the Lord
is the beginning of wisdom” (Proverbs 9:10, Korean Modern Bible). Therefore, the Bible says that those who have
this understanding are happy (Proverbs 3:13). This understanding will protect us (2:11) and
give us life (Psalms 119:144).
(2) The Pharisees, who heard Jesus' parable, became
angry [they were offended by it (Korean New Revised Bible)], and the disciples
asked Jesus if He was aware of this (Matthew 15:12) (this account is not in
Mark 7). In response, Jesus answered,
"Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be pulled up. Leave them; they are blind guides. If the blind lead the blind, both will fall
into a pit" (Matthew 15:13-14, Korean Modern Bible). Why did the Pharisees get angry after hearing
Jesus' parable? Why did this parable
become an offense to them? The reason is
that through the parable, Jesus pointed out their "wrong understanding of
the law" (Hokma). The fact that the
Pharisees were angered shows that they did not accept Jesus' words as the true
truth but were offended by them, becoming adversaries of the truth (Hokma). According to Hokma: "In fact, anger
toward a person who speaks the truth arises from two causes: (a) the loss of
trust in what they had previously believed was right and a sense of betrayal
toward themselves, and (b) the refusal to acknowledge that their judgment was
false and unjust, and instead, the anger comes from an attitude that condemns
the person speaking the truth, which reflects a distorted mindset that cannot
honestly accept the truth and fears and turns away from it" (Hokma). Not only did the Pharisees oppose Jesus' words
of truth, but they also opposed Jesus, who is the truth (John 14:6). As hypocrites, they are like "plants not
planted by my (Jesus') heavenly Father," and on the Day of Judgment, they
will "be pulled up" (Matthew 15:13, Korean Modern Bible) and face
final destruction [Matthew 13:19, 40 (Hokma)]. Furthermore, Jesus' statement about them being
"blind guides" and the saying, "If the blind lead the blind,
both will fall into a pit" (Matthew 15:14, Korean Modern Bible), implied
that the hypocritical Pharisees, who could not discern the truth and instead
opposed it, were walking the path of falsehood and destruction. Those who followed their false teachings and
outward appearances would also be spiritual "blind" followers, and
together with the Pharisees, they would reach eternal damnation and be cast
into the fires of hell (Hokma).
(3) The reason Jesus told his disciples, “Nothing
that goes into a person from outside can defile him,” is because “it does not
enter the heart but passes through the stomach and out of the body.” “That is
why Jesus declared all foods clean” (Mark 7:18-19, Korean Modern Bible). 1 Timothy 4:3-5, Korean Modern Bible: “They
[those who reject the faith and follow deceiving spirits and teachings of
demons, lying hypocrites whose consciences are numbed (vv. 1-2, Korean Modern
Bible)] forbid marriage and forbid the eating of certain foods. But foods are given by God to be eaten with
thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth. Everything created by God is good, and nothing
should be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because the food is
made holy by the word of God and prayer.” Therefore, the apostle Paul said, “Why should
I be criticized for the food for which I am thankful when I eat it with
thanksgiving?” (1 Corinthians 10:30, Korean Modern Bible)
(4) Jesus said to His disciples, "What comes
out of a person's heart is what defiles them" (Mark 7:20, Korean Modern Bible).
The reason for this is that "from
within, out of a person's heart, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft,
murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance,
and folly" (vv. 21-22) [In Matthew 15:19, Korean Modern Bible,
"greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance, and
folly" are listed, but instead of those, it mentions "false testimony
and slander"]. Jesus said,
"All these evils come from inside and defile a person" (v. 23, Korean
Modern Bible) [In Matthew 15:20, Korean Modern Bible, it also says,
"eating with unwashed hands does not defile a person"]. Through Jesus' explanation of this parable, we
must discern what defiles us and what does not. Therefore, we should not, like the Pharisees,
fall into extreme mannerism and hypocrisy, constantly focused only on washing
away outward defilement (Hokma). Instead, we must recognize our internal sins,
believe in the power of the precious blood that Jesus shed on the cross,
confess our sins, repent, and commit ourselves to cleansing the defilement of
our hearts.
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