Chapter 10: Emptying “Sexual Immorality”

 

Chapter 10:

Emptying “Sexual Immorality”

 

 

 

“Whoever commits adultery lacks understanding; the one who does so destroys his own soul.  He will suffer wounds and dishonor, and his shame will not be wiped away” (Prov. 6:32–33).

 

In the previous chapter, we examined the evil thoughts that take root in our hearts.  Jesus looked not only at outward actions but also at the heart where those actions begin.  Yet among the evil thoughts that settle in the heart, there is one that requires particular vigilance: a sexually immoral heart and lust. 

 

Sexual sin does not suddenly appear as an action one day.  When we continue to harbor in our hearts what we have seen with our eyes, allow our hearts to be drawn toward someone in whom we should not take such an interest, and repeatedly nurture wrongful desires, those desires can eventually lead to action.

This is what happened with David.  In 2 Samuel 11, David was walking on the roof of the royal palace when he saw a woman bathing.  The woman was very beautiful. But David did not stop there.  He sent someone to find out who she was. And even after learning that she was Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah, he had her brought to him and committed adultery with her.  David’s sin was not completed in a single moment.

He saw.  He became interested.  He inquired about her.  And finally, he acted upon his desire.  Therefore, emptying sexual immorality does not simply mean refraining from the final act of adultery.  To empty sexual immorality means emptying from our hearts the tendency to view another person as an object for satisfying our desires, and guarding our eyes, hearts, and bodies within the order of love established by God.

 

Jesus Looked at the Heart, Not Merely the Action

 

Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’  But I tell you that everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Mt. 5:27–28).  Jesus took the issue of adultery beyond the level of outward behavior and brought it into the realm of the heart.  The fact that a person has not physically committed adultery does not necessarily mean that the heart is pure.  Here, it is important to distinguish between simply recognizing another person’s beauty and looking at that person as an object of lust.  The mere fact that we have looked at another person is not itself sin.  Nor should sexual desire itself be regarded as inherently evil apart from the fact that God created human beings as male and female.  The problem arises when we separate the sexuality God has given us from His will and order and use it as a means of satisfying our own desires.  Sin begins to grow when we view another person not as a whole person but as an object for our desires, deliberately harbor lust toward that person, repeatedly enjoy it in our minds, and seek to cross the boundaries God has established.  Therefore, Jesus’ words are not simply telling us to be careful about our outward actions.  They are telling us to examine even our eyes and our hearts before God.

 

Sexual Immorality Destroys Both Ourselves and Others

 

Proverbs 6 warns that the person who commits adultery ultimately destroys himself.  Sexual sin is never merely a private matter.  It can deeply wound a spouse.  It can leave wounds in children.  It can shake a family.  It can also destroy trust within a church and a community.  And once we begin hiding sin, other sins easily follow.  We begin to lie.  We hide our phones and messages.  We conceal where we have been and what we have done.  We may act as though nothing is wrong in front of others while living a separate, secret life.  In this way, sexual immorality brings falsehood and hypocrisy along with it.  That is why we must not take the beginning lightly.  “What is wrong with looking just once?”  “What does it matter if I only think about it in my heart?”  “We are just close friends.”  “Nothing has happened yet.”  If we continue reassuring ourselves in this way, we may eventually find ourselves in a place we never imagined we would reach.  One of the wisest ways to overcome sin is not to go all the way to the final moment and then try to resist, but to turn away from the path of sin at the very beginning.

 

We Must Guard Our Eyes and Our Hearts

 

First John 2:16 warns about “the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life.”  Our eyes influence our hearts.  Therefore, what we look at matters.  But sexual immorality does not always begin with the eyes.  It may begin with loneliness.  It may begin with the desire to be recognized and affirmed.  It may begin when, amid dissatisfaction with one’s spouse or conflict within the marriage, a person begins emotionally leaning on someone else.  Lust may be nurtured through repeatedly viewing certain material on the internet, videos, or social media.  Our hearts may also begin to move toward someone at work or at church as we develop an emotional intimacy that goes beyond what is appropriate.  Therefore, we should not ask only: “What am I looking at?”  We must also ask: “Toward whom is my heart turning right now?”  “From whom am I seeking the intimacy that I should be seeking from my spouse?”  “Whose attention and affirmation are drawing my heart too strongly?”  “What do I repeatedly look at and think about when I am alone?”  We must examine ourselves honestly before these questions.

 

Do Not Trust Yourself Too Much in the Face of Temptation

 

Proverbs 7 portrays a person falling into sexual temptation.  He goes near a dangerous place.  He willingly enters a situation that he should avoid.  Eventually, he listens to the words of temptation and follows them.  Here we learn an important principle.  Overcoming temptation does not mean walking into the middle of temptation and proving how strong our willpower is.  Wisdom means avoiding what should be avoided.  Do not look at what you should not look at.  If something needs to be deleted, delete it.  Do not visit places online that you should not visit.  Do not continue unnecessary private communication.  If a relationship is stirring your heart in the wrong direction, establish appropriate boundaries.  If you repeatedly fall into sin during certain times or in certain places when you are alone, change that environment.  “I am fine.”  “I am a pastor, so I am fine.”  “I have been a Christian for many years, so I can handle this much.”  “We are only close friends.”  This kind of self-confidence can actually be dangerous.  It is wisdom to acknowledge our weakness.  The person who fights sin is not the one who remains close to sin and boasts about his own strength, but the one who avoids the place of sin and draws near to God.

 

See People as Persons of Dignity, Not as Objects of Desire

 

One of the deepest problems of sexual immorality lies in the way we look at other people.  God created human beings in His image.  Therefore, another person’s body is not an object that I may freely look at, imagine, and use however I please.  We should respect people of the opposite sex whom we meet at work.  We should respect people of the opposite sex whom we meet at church.  We should also remember that the people we see online are human beings created in the image of God.  When we begin to view another person as an object of desire, that person’s personhood and dignity are pushed aside, and our own desire moves to the center.  This is not love.  Love seeks the good of the other person, but lust seeks to satisfy itself through the other person.  Love respects the other person, but lust seeks to use the other person.  Love honors boundaries, but lust seeks to cross them.  Therefore, emptying sexual immorality is not merely suppressing sexual desire.  It is restoring the way we see people so that we once again see them as persons.

 

Marriage Given by God Is a Beautiful Gift

 

The Bible does not teach that sexuality itself is dirty.  God created male and female, and within the covenant of marriage He intended a husband and wife to love one another and become one flesh.   Therefore, marital love and sexual intimacy within marriage are beautiful gifts from God.  The problem arises when we take the gift God has given and separate it from God’s will and order, using it for our own desires.  Husbands and wives must not treat each other as tools for satisfying desire.  They should love, respect, and care for one another.  Even in sexual intimacy, love, responsibility, and mutual consideration are more important than one-sided demands.  Marital intimacy must take place in love, not in possessiveness.  The sexuality God has given is beautiful.  But lust outside the boundaries God has established distorts that beautiful gift.

 

Do Not Compare Your Spouse with Someone Else

 

Proverbs 5:18 says, “Rejoice in the wife of your youth.”  A married person should treasure the spouse God has given and learn contentment and faithfulness within the covenant of marriage.  But once comparison begins, contentment begins to weaken.   “That person is more attractive than my spouse.”  “That person understands me better than my spouse.”  “That person listens to me better.”  “When I am with that person, I feel more appreciated.”  If we continue harboring such thoughts, our spouse’s weaknesses will appear increasingly large, while the other person’s strengths will appear increasingly attractive.  And at some point, the heart may leave one’s spouse before the body does.  Therefore, marital faithfulness does not mean merely refraining from physical adultery.  It means living faithfully toward one’s spouse in heart, body, and relationship.  Look again at your spouse’s strengths.  Express gratitude.  Listen to one another.  Cultivate intimacy.  Speak honestly about each other’s needs.  If there are wounds, do not ignore them. Talk about them.  Marriage is not a relationship that becomes healthy automatically.  Love must be cared for.

 

Difficulties in Marriage Cannot Become a Reason for Adultery

 

Conflict can arise between husband and wife.  Emotional distance can develop.  There may be sexual difficulties.  Their needs may differ.  These issues should not be taken lightly.  A husband and wife should speak honestly with each other, seek wise help when necessary, and care for their relationship.  But one thing is clear.  The fact that a marriage is difficult does not justify adultery.  “My spouse did not understand me.”  “My spouse did not love me.”  “Our marriage has not been good for a long time.”  These difficulties should be taken seriously, but they cannot become reasons for placing responsibility for one’s adultery on another person.  Responsibility for sin lies in one’s own choice.  Therefore, when problems arise, instead of moving one’s heart toward someone else, one should first speak honestly with one’s spouse and examine one’s own heart before God.  Being faithful to one’s spouse does not simply mean refraining from having a relationship with someone else.  It means loving and respecting the spouse God has given you and living faithfully to that covenant with your heart, body, and life.

 

In the Matter of Sexual Immorality, Examine Yourself Before Examining Others

 

Sexual sin is also a subject that can easily lead us to condemn others.  We can be extremely sensitive to another person’s sin while remaining insensitive to the lust within our own hearts.  In John 8, people brought to Jesus a woman who had been caught in adultery.  They focused on her sin, but Jesus said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”  This does not mean that adultery is not sin.  Rather, it means that before condemning another person’s sin, we must remember that we ourselves are sinners standing before God.  Therefore, we must first ask ourselves: “Are my eyes pure?”  “Is there lust that I repeatedly harbor in my heart?”  “Am I depending emotionally, in an excessive way, on someone who is not my spouse?”  “What am I looking at when no one is watching?”  “Am I criticizing someone else’s sin while hiding the sin in my own heart?”  Before picking up a stone against someone else, we must bring our own hearts before God.

 

When You Become Aware of Sin, Do Not Hide It; Return to God

 

When someone falls into sexual sin, the problem becomes deeper if the person begins hiding the sin.  Falsehood follows.  Hypocrisy follows.  Excuses for avoiding responsibility follow.  “The other person approached me first.”  “I was lonely because of my spouse.”  “I had no choice.”  “It happened only once.”  When we rationalize our sin in this way, we move farther and farther away from repentance.  David initially tried to hide his sin as well.  But when his sin was exposed through the prophet Nathan, he finally confessed, “I have sinned against the LORD.”  A person who is emptying sexual immorality is not someone who is never tempted.  It is someone who, upon recognizing sin, does not hide but returns to God.  We must acknowledge our sin.  We must stop making excuses.  We must accept the responsibility that needs to be accepted.  If there is a relationship that needs to be ended, it must be ended.  If help is needed, we must receive help.  Repentance does not end with merely saying, “I was wrong.”  It must be accompanied by actual change—a turning away from the direction of sin.

 

Look to God’s Grace, Which Is Greater Than Sin

 

However, when dealing with sexual sin, there must be more than warning.  The gospel also contains restoration.  In the book of Hosea, God revealed His love for unfaithful Israel through Hosea’s family.  Israel abandoned God and followed other gods.  Yet God did not simply abandon them; He called them to return.

This does not mean that adultery is a minor sin.  Rather, alongside the seriousness of sin, it reveals the grace of God that is greater than the sinner.  Therefore, even someone who has fallen into sexual sin must not remain in sin thinking, “My life is over now.”  That person must return to God.  Repent.  Accept the necessary responsibility.  And begin again to live a faithful life.  However, we must not treat forgiveness and relational restoration as though they were the same thing.  If adultery has deeply wounded a spouse, one cannot simply say, “God has forgiven me, so everything is finished now.”  The pain of the wounded spouse must be respected.  Sincere repentance and responsibility are necessary.  Rebuilding trust may take time.  In some cases, pastoral and professional help may also be necessary.  And in situations involving repeated deception or other serious harm, the safety and dignity of the spouse must also be given serious consideration.  God’s grace does not make sin insignificant.  Rather, grace gives us the strength to acknowledge sin honestly and turn from it responsibly.

 

We Must Also Examine the Deeper Issue of Love Beyond Physical Adultery

 

The Bible sometimes compares abandoning God and following idols to adultery.  This shows how deeply God describes His relationship with His people as a covenant relationship of love.  Therefore, as we examine sexual immorality, we must also ask a deeper question: “What does my heart love most?”  It may be money.  It may be success.  It may be honor.  It may be our children.  It may be our family.  It may even be the success of our church or ministry.  All of these can be good gifts from God.  But when we love a gift God has given more than God Himself, the gift can become an idol.  Even our spouse cannot be placed above God.  Neither can our children.  Neither can our family.  Neither can the church.  Therefore, at the deepest level of emptying sexual immorality lies the question of where our love is ultimately directed.  We must empty ourselves of wrongly directed love and turn our love back toward God.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Principles and Practical Guidelines f

or Emptying “Sexual Immorality”

 

 

 

How, then, can we practically empty sexual immorality in our homes, churches, and workplaces?  Emptying sexual immorality does not end with simply resolving, “I will not commit adultery.”  It is the process of offering our eyes, hearts, relationships, and bodies to God; wisely dealing with the places where temptation can grow; and filling the space emptied of wrongful desires with the love and faithfulness of Christ.

 

1.     Guard What Enters Your Eyes and Heart

 

Examine what you are looking at.  Pay attention to what videos and images you repeatedly view, which people continually draw your gaze, what you seek when you are alone, and what kinds of fantasies you repeatedly entertain in your mind.  If certain content or environments clearly tempt you, distance yourself from them decisively.  If necessary, make access to them difficult.  Taking practical steps to avoid sin is not a sign of weak faith.  It is the wisdom of recognizing your own weakness.

 

2.     Guard the Boundaries of Your Relationships

 

Sexual immorality can begin in an emotional relationship before it becomes a physical relationship.  Examine whether you are sharing excessively personal emotions with someone who is not your spouse.  If messages or meetings are beginning to occur that you feel you must hide from your spouse, that may already be a warning sign.  Do not reassure yourself merely by saying, “Nothing happened.”  You must look at where your heart is going.  Especially in relationships involving pastoral ministry, counseling, the workplace, and ministry service, we must respect the other person while maintaining healthy boundaries.  If a relationship can be maintained only by keeping it secret, that relationship needs to be reexamined before God.

 

3.     Treasure Your Spouse and Care for Marital Intimacy

A married person should look again at the spouse God has given rather than comparing that spouse with someone else.  Express gratitude.  Talk with one another.  Spend time together.  Listen to your spouse’s needs.  Respect one another’s bodies and emotions.  If there is a problem, do not ignore it. Speak about it honestly.  If necessary, seek help.  Marital faithfulness is not the passive condition of merely avoiding adultery.  It is an active life of continually loving and respecting one’s spouse and caring for the marriage covenant.

 

4.     Do Not Hide or Rationalize Sin

 

If you realize that wrongful desire or an inappropriate relationship has begun, bring it to God quickly.  Do not think, “I have not acted on it yet, so it is fine.”  Do not be confident that “I can stop whenever I want.”  And if you have already sinned, do not shift responsibility onto someone else.  Acknowledge your own choice and repent before God.  What needs to be ended must be ended.  What needs to be corrected must be corrected.  What requires responsibility must be taken responsibility for.  True repentance means turning away from hiding sin and coming into the light.

 

5.     Fill the Emptied Place with the Love and Faithfulness of Christ

 

The purpose of emptying sexual immorality is not to become a person who has no desire at all.  It is to restore the proper direction of our love.  The eyes that once viewed another person as an object of desire must become eyes that look upon that person with respect.  The heart that compared one’s spouse with others must become a grateful heart.  The heart that sought only self-satisfaction must become love that seeks the good of the other person.  The heart that loved the world must become a heart that loves God.  And even when we are alone, we must live in the presence of Christ.  Stay close to the Word.  Pray.  Offer your body and heart to God.  Ask for the help of the Holy Spirit.  Do not leave the place emptied of lust unattended.  Fill it with the love of Christ.  Yet none of these practices can be accomplished by our willpower alone.  “I will never think that way again.”  “I will never fall into that sin.”  Such resolutions alone are not enough.  In fact, trusting our own strength too much can be dangerous.  We need God’s grace and the help of the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit must guard our eyes and hearts, make us aware of wrongful desires, and lead us to choose the way of escape when we face temptation.  And when we fall, He must lead us not to hide but to return to the cross.  Therefore, we can pray: “Lord, examine my eyes and my heart.  You know what I look at and what I think about when no one else is watching.  Do not allow me to view another person as an object for satisfying my desires, but help me to see that person as someone of dignity, created in the image of God.  Help me empty myself of wrongful desires and relationships, and give me the wisdom and courage to avoid places of temptation.  Help me to love and respect the spouse You have given me and to remain faithful to the covenant of marriage.  When I become aware of sin, do not let me hide or make excuses, but lead me to return to You immediately.  Show me anything in my heart that I love more than You, and help me empty it out.  Fill my heart, emptied of lust, with the love and faithfulness of Christ.”

 

Emptying sexual immorality does not mean abandoning love.  It means emptying wrongful desires and restoring the true order of love that God has given us.  Emptying lust does not mean abandoning joy either.  It means finding in Christ a joy that is greater and deeper than momentary desire.  Being faithful to one’s spouse does not merely mean refraining from adultery.  It means treasuring and guarding the covenant of marriage with one’s heart, body, and life.  And at an even deeper level, it means directing our love back toward God.  Therefore, today we must once again ask ourselves: “What am I looking at?”  “Toward whom is my heart directed?”  “Is my heart being drawn away by someone who is not my spouse?”  “How am I living when no one is watching?”  “Is there anything in my heart that I love more than God?”  “Whom do I believe my body, heart, and relationships belong to?”  Before these questions, offer your eyes and your heart to God.  Empty what needs to be emptied.  End what needs to be ended.  Return to the place to which you need to return.  And fill the empty place with the love of Christ.  Sexual immorality says, “Satisfy my desires.”  But faith confesses, “My body and my heart belong to the Lord.”  Emptying sexual immorality is not the elimination of desire.  It is emptying wrongful desire and turning our love back toward God.  This is the path of “emptying sexual immorality” that we must walk every day.