Chapter 12: Emptying “Jealousy”

 

Chapter 12:

Emptying “Jealousy”

 

 

 

In the previous chapter, we looked at emptying ourselves of resentment.  Resentment keeps us from seeing what God has already given us and causes us instead to focus on what we have not received and on what other people have. But when our eyes remain fixed on other people for too long, another sin can easily take root in our hearts.  That sin is jealousy.

 

Jealousy is the heart that looks at what others have and complains about what I do not have, and that feels uncomfortable when others receive recognition, love, and praise.  At first, it may seem like simple comparison.  “Why is that person doing better than I am?”  “Why does that person receive more recognition than I do?”  “Why does that person have something that I do not?”  “Why does it seem that God has given that person more than He has given me?”  But when we continue to nurture these comparisons in our hearts, at some point another person’s success begins to feel like my failure.  Another person’s joy becomes my sorrow.  When someone else is praised, I feel as though I am being ignored.  And eventually, I may even come to hate someone who has done nothing wrong.  I, too, have not been free from this kind of jealousy.  There was a time when, in my heart, I hated a brother in the faith who had done nothing wrong.  He had not particularly harmed me in any way.  Yet I felt uncomfortable when I saw him receiving more recognition and praise than I did.  Looking back, the problem was not with him.  The problem was in my heart.  I wanted to be recognized.  I wanted to be elevated.  I wanted to appear better than others.  So when someone else was elevated, it felt as though I was being lowered.  At the center of that heart was pride.

 

Jealousy ultimately begins with comparison, grows into pride, and bears the fruit of hatred.  Therefore, if we are to empty ourselves of jealousy, before trying to change another person, we must first examine our own hearts before God.  “Why am I unable to rejoice in that person’s success?”  “Why do I feel uncomfortable when that person is praised?”  “Why do I think that I deserve more recognition?”  We must be honest before these questions.

 

Jealousy Makes Us See People Differently

Saul is one of the clearest examples of how frightening jealousy can become.  When David returned after defeating Goliath, the women of Israel sang: “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands” (1 Sam. 18:7).  When Saul heard this, he became very displeased because he thought the people were esteeming David more highly than him.  Then Scripture records: “And from that time on Saul kept a close eye on David” (v. 9).  Until then, David had been loyal to Saul.  He played the harp for Saul.  He fought for Israel.  He risked his life to fight Goliath.  But once jealousy entered Saul’s heart, David began to look different to him.  A loyal servant began to look like a competitor.  A man whom God was using began to look like someone trying to take his position away from him.  Jealousy did not change David.  It changed Saul’s eyes.  Jealousy does not change the facts, but it changes the eyes through which we see those facts.  That is why jealousy is dangerous.  We may not hate someone because that person has done something wrong.  We may actually hate that person because he or she is doing well.  We may feel uncomfortable because another person is loved.  We may begin to dislike someone because that person is recognized.  When we see another person doing well, we may feel as though we ourselves have been brought lower.  At such times, the problem may not be that person.  The problem may be in our own hearts.

 

Jealousy Turns People into Competitors in Our Hearts

 

When jealousy enters our hearts, even a brother can become a competitor.  A fellow worker in ministry can become a competitor.  A friend can become a competitor.  Even a family member can become a competitor.  Cain killed his younger brother Abel.  It was not because Abel had harmed Cain.  First John 3:12 explains why Cain killed his brother: “His own actions were evil and his brother’s were righteous.”  Abel’s righteousness made Cain uncomfortable.  Comparison grew into jealousy.  Jealousy grew into hatred.  And hatred eventually manifested itself in murder.  We may never go to such an extreme.  But in our hearts, we may push another person away.  We may secretly hope that person fails.  When we hear something negative about that person, a part of us may secretly feel pleased.  When we discover that person’s weakness, we may feel relieved.  “So that person isn’t so great after all.”  If such a heart exists within us, we must examine it before God.  Love does not rejoice in another person’s failure.  Love does not pull another person down in order to lift oneself up.  Therefore, emptying ourselves of jealousy is more than simply refraining from envying someone else.  It means emptying before God even the heart that sees another person as a competitor, feels uncomfortable with that person’s joy, and secretly hopes for that person’s failure.

 

 Jealousy Makes Us Forget the Mission God Has Entrusted to Us

 

Saul’s tragedy did not end with his hatred of David.  Because of jealousy, he forgot the mission that had been entrusted to him.  Saul was the king of Israel.  He was supposed to care for the people God had entrusted to him and protect the nation.  But as he became consumed with jealousy toward David, his attention became focused more on David than on the Philistines.  He mobilized soldiers to capture David.  He spent his time and strength pursuing David.  By focusing on another person, he lost sight of the work that had been entrusted to him.  The same thing can happen to us.  We can become so preoccupied with another pastor’s ministry that we forget the church God has entrusted to us.  We can become so focused on another person’s business and success that we fail to be faithful in the work entrusted to us.  We can compare our children with the children of other families and fail to see the beauty of the children God has entrusted to us.  We can envy another person’s gifts and fail to use the gifts God has given us.  Jealousy causes us to look too much at other people’s lives.  And in doing so, we can miss the life that we ourselves are called to live.  Therefore, we must change the question.  Instead of asking, “Why is that person doing so well?” we should ask, “What has God entrusted to me today?”  It is all right if another person seems to be doing greater things than I am.  It is all right if another person receives more praise than I do.  It is all right if another person’s gifts seem more impressive than mine.  God has entrusted something to that person, and God has entrusted something to me.  Do not compare.  Be faithful.  Do not compete.  Fulfill your mission

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We Must Examine Our Desire for Human Recognition

 

Deep within Saul’s jealousy was also a desire to be recognized by people.  Even when Samuel rebuked him for his sin, Saul asked: “Honor me now, please, before the elders of my people and before Israel” (1 Sam. 15:30).  The desire to be loved and recognized by others is not always sinful in itself.  Everyone has a desire to be loved and appreciated.  The problem arises when human recognition becomes more important than God.  If I can be happy only when I am praised, if I feel uncomfortable when someone else is praised, if I am satisfied only when my name becomes known, and if I am hurt when someone else receives more recognition than I do, then I must examine that heart before God.  Jesus showed us a completely different way: “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus” (Phil. 2:5).  Jesus emptied Himself and took the form of a servant.  He did not lower others in order to elevate Himself.  Therefore, Paul exhorts us: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves” (v. 3).  Here we find the way to empty ourselves of jealousy.  We must empty ourselves of the desire to be elevated and embrace the humility of Christ.  Instead of asking,  “How much do people recognize me?” we should ask, “How faithfully am I living before God?”  Even when people do not know, God knows.  Even when people do not see, God sees.  Even when people do not praise us, God knows our faithfulness.

Like Asaph, Turn Your Eyes from People to God

 

Another person who honestly reveals the problem of jealousy is Asaph.  In Psalm 73, Asaph confesses: “For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked” (Ps. 73:3).  Asaph’s heart was shaken when he saw wicked people prospering.  It seemed that those who disregarded God were doing better than he was, even though he was trying to live by faith in God.  As a result, he nearly stumbled.  But then a decisive change took place: “Till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny” (v. 17).  Asaph’s circumstances did not change first.  His perspective changed.  His eyes, which had been fixed on people, turned back to God.  And finally he confessed: “Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you” (v. 25).  This is an important way to empty ourselves of jealousy.  When jealousy rises within you, do not look more closely at the other person.  Look at God.  Do not keep comparing who has more.  Look at what God has given you.  Do not calculate who receives more praise.  Look at the work God has entrusted to you.  Do not compare who has the larger ministry.  Be faithful to the mission God has entrusted to you today.  Emptying ourselves of jealousy means turning our eyes, which have been fixed on other people, back to God.

 

Rejoice Together in the Grace God Has Given to Others

 

Jealousy turns another person’s joy into my sorrow.  Love does the opposite.  Love rejoices together with another person’s joy.  When someone else is praised, congratulate that person.  When someone achieves a good result, rejoice together.  When another person’s child does well, bless that child and family.  When another church grows and another pastor is used greatly by God, thank God.  When a coworker receives a promotion, congratulate that person.  When a friend’s business prospers, rejoice together.  At first, your heart may not follow.  Your lips may offer congratulations while your heart still feels uncomfortable.  When that happens, bring even that heart to God.  “God, show me the heart within me that cannot sincerely rejoice in the grace You have given this person.  Empty me of this comparing heart.  Help me rejoice together in the grace You have given this person.”  Then pray for that person: “Lord, please use this person even more greatly.”  “Please bless this family.”  “May Your kingdom be expanded even more through this person’s ministry.”  When we begin to bless the person we are jealous of, our own hearts gradually begin to change.  Jealousy asks, “Why did You give that to this person?”  But love confesses, “Thank You for giving grace to this person too.” 

 

Empty Jealousy and Learn Gratitude

 

It is difficult for gratitude to take root in a jealous heart.  That is because jealousy is always looking at what I do not have.  “Why don’t I have that?”  “Why do good things happen only to that person?”  “Why has that person received more than I have?”  When our hearts are filled with these thoughts, we cannot see the grace God has already given us.  Therefore, if we are to empty ourselves of jealousy, we must learn gratitude.  Give thanks for the family God has given you.  Give thanks for the church He has entrusted to you.  Give thanks for the gifts He has given you.  Give thanks for the opportunity to work.  Give thanks for the people walking alongside you.  Give thanks for the grace that has guided you until now.  Above all, give thanks for the grace by which God has saved you in Jesus Christ and made you His child.  Jealousy magnifies what is missing.  Gratitude enables us to see what we have received.  Jealousy magnifies our lack.  Gratitude magnifies grace.  Giving thanks does not suddenly cause us to possess what we do not have.  But it opens our eyes to see the grace that has already been given to us.

 

Do Not Become Jealous Because Someone Else Is Jealous of You

 

Sometimes the issue is not that I am jealous of someone else.  Someone else may be jealous of me.  Joseph’s brothers were jealous of Joseph.  Because of their father’s love for Joseph and because of Joseph’s dreams, hatred arose in their hearts, and eventually they sold Joseph into Egypt.  What they did was clearly evil.  But human evil could not overturn God’s plan.  Years later Joseph said to his brothers: “God sent me ahead of you to preserve life” (Gen. 45:5).  Joseph did not call his brothers’ evil good.  But he saw God’s providence as greater than his brothers’ evil.  This teaches us an important lesson.  Someone may be jealous of me.  Someone may misunderstand me.  Someone may feel uncomfortable when things go well for me.  Someone may try to pull me down.  But that does not mean that I also need to hate that person or compete with that person.  God’s providence is greater than human jealousy.  Do not abandon your mission because of another person’s jealousy.  Remain faithful in the place God has entrusted to you.  Look to God’s guidance rather than to people’s reactions.

 

We Must Distinguish Between the Jealousy We Need to Empty and the Holy Zeal We Need to Embrace

 

The Bible does not speak only of sinful jealousy that must be emptied.  In Numbers 25, God says that Phinehas demonstrated zeal for God’s holiness.  What matters here is what lies at the center of the heart.  Saul’s jealousy was for himself.  It was jealousy aimed at protecting his own position and honor.  But Phinehas’s zeal did not arise from a desire to exalt his own name. It came from valuing God’s holiness.  Therefore, we must ask ourselves: “Is the reason I am angry right now truly because of God’s glory?”  “Or is it because my pride has been wounded?”  “Am I grieved because God’s will is being violated?”  “Or am I hurt because I am not receiving recognition?”  “Does this zeal come from love?”  “Or does it come from fear and possessiveness?”  This question is also important in marriage.  Husbands and wives should cherish and faithfully guard the covenant of marriage that God has given them.  But we cannot call excessive control, surveillance, and possessiveness “holy jealousy” simply because we say we love our spouse.  Love protects the relationship, but it does not turn the other person into a possession.  What we must empty is the jealousy that tries to pull another person down in order to protect our own glory and position.  What we must embrace is zeal that flows from loving God and valuing His will and holiness.

 

Empty Jealousy and Live in Love

 

The purpose of emptying jealousy is not simply to become a person who is no longer jealous of others.  It is to become a person who loves.  Love seeks the good of others.  Love rejoices when others do well.  Love does not interpret another person’s success as my failure.  Love recognizes that God has given different gifts and different missions to each person.  Therefore, when jealousy rises within us, we should pray: “Lord, show me why I feel uncomfortable with this person.”  “Empty me of the comparison and pride within me.”  “Empty me of the desire to be recognized by people.”  “Help me rejoice together in the grace You have given this person.”  “Help me remain faithful to the mission You have entrusted to me.”  And then actually choose love.  Congratulate.  Encourage.  Bless.  Pray.  Rejoice together in another person’s joy.  Even if your heart does not immediately follow, begin to act in love in obedience to the Word.  In that process, the Holy Spirit will also transform our hearts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Principles and Practical Guidelines for Emptying “Jealousy”

 

 

How, then, can we empty ourselves of jealousy in our everyday lives?  Jealousy begins by comparing ourselves with others and can easily grow into pride and hatred.  Therefore, to empty ourselves of jealousy, we must turn our eyes, which have become fixed on other people, back to God, replace comparison with gratitude, and remain faithful to the mission God has entrusted to us.

 

1.       When Jealousy Arises, Identify Whom or What You Are Comparing Yourself With

 

Jealousy begins with comparison.  Therefore, when you begin to feel uncomfortable, first ask yourself: “Whom am I comparing myself with right now?”  “What am I comparing?”  Is it wealth?  Appearance?  Children?  Work?  The size of a ministry?  The size of a church?  People’s praise?  Someone else’s gifts?  Once you identify what you are comparing, do not continue nurturing those thoughts.  Turn your eyes to God.  What God has given that person has been entrusted to that person.  What God has given me has been entrusted to me.  Comparison causes us to live someone else’s life.  Mission enables us to live the life God has entrusted to us.

 

2.      Intentionally Bless the Grace God Has Given to Others

 

Do not continue to regard the person you are jealous of as a competitor in your heart.  Pray for that person.  Bless that person and desire that things go well for him or her.  When something good happens, offer your congratulations.  When God uses that person, give thanks.  In the family, do not compare brothers and sisters.  Parents must be careful not to compare one child with another.  Children likewise should not turn the grace given to their siblings into a reason for competition.  In the church, do not turn the fruit of other churches and other pastors into objects of competition.  In the workplace, do not interpret a coworker’s success as your failure.  Rejoicing together in the grace God has given another person is a practical discipline for emptying ourselves of jealousy.

 

3.       Seek Faithfulness Before God Instead of Recognition from People

 

If you continually think, “How much do people recognize me?”  you will become increasingly sensitive to the praise other people receive.  Therefore, change the question: “Am I faithful before God?”

Remain faithful even when no one recognizes you.  Serve even when your name is not known.  Rejoice together even when someone else is praised.  Even when it feels as though someone else is receiving recognition for something you did, first examine your heart before God.  Of course, in situations where proper evaluation and fairness are necessary, you may speak the facts truthfully.  But you must not allow people’s praise to become the master of your heart.  A person who is emptying jealousy considers God’s gaze more important than human applause.

 

4.       Give Thanks Every Day for the Grace God Has Already Given You

 

When jealousy arises, instead of thinking about what you have not received, count what you have already received.  You may even write down specific things for which you are thankful today.  Remember your family, health, church, workplace, friends, gifts, ministry, salvation, God’s Word, and the grace of being able to pray.  Gratitude does not mean saying that I have more than someone else.  It means acknowledging that the grace God has given me is precious and sufficient.  When jealousy says, “Why don’t I have this?” gratitude confesses, “God has also given me abundant grace.”

 

5.       Focus on the Mission God Has Entrusted to You Rather Than on Other People

 

One of the best questions to ask when jealousy arises is: “What has God entrusted to me right now?”  Do not spend all your time looking at another person’s ministry.  Do not allow your heart to be consumed with evaluating another person’s life.  Love the family God has entrusted to you.  Serve the church He has entrusted to you.  Work honestly in the workplace He has entrusted to you.  Use the gifts He has given you.  Be faithful in the obedience required of you today.  Saul lost sight of his own mission because he kept looking at David.  Asaph nearly stumbled because he kept looking at the prosperity of the wicked.  But when he turned his eyes back to God, he found the way again.  Turn your eyes from people to God, and turn your heart from comparison to mission.  Yet emptying ourselves of jealousy cannot be accomplished by willpower alone.  “I will never compare myself with others again.”  “Whenever someone else succeeds, I will always be happy for them.”  Simply making such resolutions does not immediately remove the deep jealousy within our hearts. 

 

We need the grace of God and the help of the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit must show us the comparison and pride hidden within our hearts.  He must make us aware of the discomfort we feel when others do well.  He must empty us of the desire for human praise and open our eyes to see the grace God has given us.  And He must form the love of Christ within us so that we can sincerely rejoice in the joy of others.  Therefore, we can pray: “Lord, show me the jealousy, comparison, and pride within me.  Empty me of the heart that feels uncomfortable when others do well and that feels as though I have been brought lower when others are praised.  Empty me of the desire for human recognition and praise, and let me be satisfied in knowing that You know me and love me. Help me rejoice in and bless the grace You have given to others, and help me give thanks for the grace You have given me.  Keep me from looking at people and competing with them, and help me remain faithful to the mission You have entrusted to me. Fill my heart, emptied of jealousy, with the humility, gratitude, and love of Christ.”  Emptying ourselves of jealousy does not mean becoming people who take no interest in others.  Nor does it mean ignoring the success of others.  Emptying ourselves of jealousy means refusing to interpret another person’s success as my failure.  It means rejoicing together in the grace God has given to others, giving thanks for the grace God has given me, and living faithfully according to the mission God has entrusted to me.  It is all right if someone else rises higher than I do.  It is all right if someone else receives more praise than I do.  It is all right if someone else seems to be doing greater things than I am.  Because God knows me.  Because God loves me.  Because God has given grace to me as well.  And because God has entrusted a mission to me as well. 

 

Therefore, do not turn another person’s joy into your sorrow.  Do not turn another person’s success into your failure.  Do not interpret the grace God has given another person as God’s rejection of you.  Like Asaph, turn your eyes from people to God.  Like Joseph, trust in God’s providence, which is greater than human evil.  Above all, like Jesus Christ, empty yourself of the desire to exalt yourself and serve humbly.  Jealousy asks: “Why does that person have what I do not have?”  But faith confesses: “I will rejoice in the grace God has given that person, and I will give thanks for the grace He has given me.”  Emptying ourselves of jealousy means turning our eyes, which have been fixed on other people, back to God.  It means emptying ourselves of comparison, pride, and hatred, and allowing the humility, gratitude, and love of Christ to grow in the space that has been emptied.  This is the path of emptying “jealousy” that we must walk every day.