Chapter 8: Emptying “Hatred”

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Chapter 8:

Emptying “Hatred”

 

 

 

In the previous chapter, we examined how we must empty ourselves of “falsehood,” which hides or alters the truth for our own benefit. Now, in Chapter 8, we will examine another sin that deeply destroys our hearts and relationships: “hatred.”  As we go through life, we are wounded.  Sometimes we are betrayed by those close to us.  Sometimes we experience injustice or feel that we have not been loved.  At times, someone’s words or actions stir deep anger within us.

 

Being wounded is not itself a sin. Feeling pain and anger when we have been treated unjustly can be a natural response. The problem is how we deal with that wound and anger.  If we continue holding on to the wound, hating the other person, wishing for that person’s downfall, and nurturing the desire to repay them for what they have done to us, hatred will eventually begin to rule our hearts.  First John 3:15 says, “Whoever hates his brother is a murderer.”  Even if we have not physically killed anyone, if in our hearts we continually condemn and curse another person and desire that person’s misfortune, God does not take such a heart lightly.  Therefore, emptying hatred does not mean forcing ourselves to eliminate our emotions.  It means bringing our wounds and anger before God and emptying them so that they do not become the masters of our hearts.

 

Cain and Abel: The Tragedy of a Man Who Failed to Empty His Hatred

 

One of the earliest biblical accounts showing the terrible consequences of hatred is the story of Cain and Abel in Genesis 4.  Cain and Abel each brought an offering to God. God accepted Abel and his offering, but He did not accept Cain and his offering. Cain became extremely angry, and his face fell.  God knew Cain’s heart.  He warned him that sin was crouching at the door, that sin desired him, but that he must rule over it.  Cain, however, did not receive God’s warning.  Instead of examining his own heart, he looked at Abel.  Instead of dealing with his own problem before God, he directed his anger toward his younger brother.  Eventually, the hatred that had grown in his heart led to murder.  Here we discover an important characteristic of hatred.  Hatred does not suddenly become fully formed in a single day.  At first, it may be a small hurt or disappointment.  When that hurt accumulates over time, it can become resentment.  When resentment is continually harbored, it becomes anger; and when anger is not emptied, it can harden into hatred.  Eventually, hatred begins to control our words and actions.  Therefore, hatred must be dealt with while it is still small.  When hurt and anger arise in our hearts, we should not neglect them by saying, “It is nothing.” We must examine them before God.  We may not always be able to prevent a seed of hatred from entering our hearts, but we must not allow that seed to take root and grow.

 

Hatred Grows into the Desire for Revenge

 

In Genesis 27, after Jacob received the blessing of his father Isaac, Esau resolved in his heart to kill his younger brother.  His wound became hatred, and his hatred developed into a desire for revenge.  When we are wounded, similar thoughts may arise within us: “I want to pay that person back in the same way.”  “I hope that person suffers as much as I have suffered.”  “Someday I want to make that person pay for what was done.”  Such thoughts can arise.  But at that moment, we must remember an important truth:

I am not the final judge.  I can call wrongdoing what it is.  When necessary, a person may need to be held accountable.  If a crime or violence has occurred, appropriate protection and legal procedures may be necessary.  Forgiveness does not mean abandoning justice.  However, I must not hold on to the authority to become that person’s final judge and personally take revenge.  Romans 12:19 tells us to leave vengeance to God.  Emptying hatred does not mean pretending that the wrongdoing never happened. It means emptying the desire to become the judge who must personally repay the wrong and entrusting the matter to God’s justice.

 

Comparison and Jealousy Can Grow into Hatred

 

In the life of King Saul, we can also see how hatred grows.  When David returned after defeating Goliath, the people sang praises of David that exalted him above Saul.  Saul took those words to heart, and the way he looked at David changed.  Comparison became jealousy, and jealousy eventually developed into hatred. Finally, Saul tried to kill David.  We may feel uncomfortable when someone else receives more recognition than we do.  When another person’s children seem to be doing better than ours, when another pastor’s church is growing more than ours, when a coworker is promoted before us, or when someone other than us receives praise, comparison and jealousy may arise in our hearts.  If those emotions are left untouched, we may eventually begin to dislike the person himself.  We may come to hate someone not because that person has done anything wrong, but simply because we do not like seeing that person prosper.  Therefore, when we discover hatred toward another person, we should ask: “Do I hate this person because he or she has truly done something wrong?”  “Or do I hate this person because I am comparing myself and becoming jealous?”  We must examine ourselves honestly before these questions.

 

Hatred Does Not Remain Only in the Heart

 

In Matthew 15:19, Jesus said that evil thoughts, murder, adultery, false testimony, and slander come out of the heart.  Sin grows in the heart before it appears in our actions.  Therefore, when anger rises, it is important not to speak or act immediately.  Proverbs 16:32 says that one who is slow to anger is better than a warrior, and one who rules his spirit is better than one who captures a city.  When our emotions become intense, we need to stop for a moment.  We do not have to reach a conclusion immediately.  We do not have to send that text message or email right away.  When we are angry, we do not have to pour out everything we want to say to our spouse or children.  We should wait until our anger subsides and first examine our hearts before God.  “Why am I this angry?”  “What do I really want?”  “Do I want this person to be restored, or do I want to return the hurt that I received?”  Simply examining our hearts in this way can help prevent anger from growing into hatred.  Stopping when anger rises is not weakness. It is the strength to govern oneself. 

 

Hatred Can Destroy a Family

 

One of the places where hatred leaves the deepest wounds is the family.  Because family members are closest to one another, they can love one another most deeply, but they can also wound one another most deeply.  The account of Amnon and Tamar in 2 Samuel 13 shows how devastating wounds and hatred can grow out of self-centered desire.  What Amnon felt toward Tamar was not true love. It was lust seeking to satisfy his own desire.  After violating Tamar by force, he came to hate her intensely.  True love seeks the good of the other person.  Self-centered desire, however, turns the other person into an object for satisfying one’s own needs.  Amnon’s sin did not end there.  His actions created a deep wound in David’s family and eventually led to Absalom’s revenge.  One person’s sin and hatred produced further hatred and revenge.  Hatred does not remain isolated.  Hatred that is not emptied within a family can be passed on to a spouse and sometimes even to the children.

 

Do Not Pass the Wounds Between Husband and Wife on to Your Children

 

In Genesis 29, Leah experienced the pain of not being loved by her husband Jacob.  Even in the names she gave her children, we can glimpse her longing to be loved by her husband.  A deep wound can develop in our hearts because we did not receive the love and affirmation we desired from our spouse.  But we must not try to fill that wound through our children.  If, in the midst of marital conflict, we try to make our children take our side, continually tell them about our spouse’s faults, or demand excessive emotional comfort from them because we did not receive it from our spouse, the children can be drawn into the parents’ conflict.  Children do not exist to fill their parents’ loneliness.  As much as possible, problems between husband and wife should be dealt with by the couple before God.  Do not pass your resentment toward your spouse on to your children.  Do not give your children reasons to hate their other parent.  We must make sure that the wounds we received do not become wounds for the next generation.  Emptying hatred is not only for the sake of our own hearts; it is also an act of protecting the next generation.

 

Joseph Was Hated, but He Did Not Live by Hatred

 

In Genesis 37, Joseph’s brothers saw that their father loved Joseph more than he loved them, and they hated him.  Comparison produced jealousy, and jealousy grew into hatred.  Eventually, the brothers threw Joseph into a pit and sold him to merchants traveling to Egypt.  Joseph was abandoned by his own family.  He had more than enough reason to hate.  Yet what is remarkable is that Joseph did not allow the evil his brothers had done to him to become the controlling center of his life.  Genesis 39:21 tells us that even in prison, the Lord was with Joseph.  People abandoned Joseph, but God did not abandon him.  This faith is important.  Being hated by people does not mean that we have been abandoned by God.  Someone misunderstanding me does not mean that God misunderstands me.  Someone doing evil to me does not mean that person has the final word over my life.  Years later, Joseph met the brothers who had sold him.

At that point, he had the power to take revenge.  But he did not.  In Genesis 50:20, he said to them: “You intended evil against me, but God turned it for good.”  Joseph did not say that the evil his brothers committed was not evil.  He clearly said, “You intended evil against me.”  But at the same time, he looked to the sovereignty of God, who was greater than their evil.  This is a very important faith for emptying hatred.  Forgiveness does not mean calling evil good. It means believing in God, who is greater than evil.

 

When You Are Hated, Do Not Answer Hatred with Hatred

 

Jesus said that His disciples may be hated by the world.  In John 15, the Lord said that because the world hated Him, His disciples would also be hated.  Therefore, the fact that someone hates me does not necessarily mean that I am walking on the wrong path.  What matters, however, is what I choose when I am hated.  If another person hates me and I begin to hate that person in return, I am ultimately receiving into my own heart the hatred that person has thrown at me.  Hebrews 12:3 tells us to consider Jesus, who endured such opposition from sinners against Himself.  If, when we are hated, we look only at the other person, our hearts can gradually harden.  But when we look to Jesus, who endured for us on the cross, we can choose another way.  It is the way of not repaying evil with evil, insult with insult, or hatred with hatred.

 

Forgiveness Means Not Allowing Hatred to Rule My Heart

 

Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive a brother who sinned against him.  Jesus told him to forgive not merely seven times, but seventy times seven.  This does not mean that we should calculate the number of times we forgive.  It means that we must learn to live a life of continual forgiveness.  But we must not misunderstand forgiveness.  Forgiveness does not mean saying that what the other person did was not wrong.  It does not mean acting as though we were never wounded.  It does not mean concealing a crime.  It does not mean that trust must be restored immediately.  Nor does it mean that every relationship must necessarily return to exactly the way it was before.  When necessary, healthy boundaries must be established.  If there is repeated violence or serious harm, it may be necessary to secure safety and seek appropriate help.  We also need to distinguish forgiveness from reconciliation.  I can begin forgiveness before God, but full reconciliation in a relationship may require genuine repentance and change from the other person.  Therefore, forgiveness does not justify the other person’s sin. It means entrusting the final judgment of that person to God and refusing to allow hatred and revenge to rule my heart.

 

The Greatest Example of Forgiveness Is the Cross

 

The deepest place where hatred is emptied is ultimately the cross.  Jesus did not curse those who crucified Him.  Instead, He prayed: “Father, forgive them.”  The cross shows us what kind of love we ourselves have received.  We were not saved because we first loved God.  Nor did Christ die because we were worthy of God’s love.  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Therefore, the strength to forgive others ultimately comes from realizing how greatly we ourselves have been forgiven.  If we think only, “Does that person deserve to be forgiven?”  forgiveness becomes difficult.  But before the cross, the question changes: “How much have I myself been forgiven by God?”  When we remember that grace, we can gradually empty the hatred we have been clutching.  Because I am one who has been forgiven, I learn how to forgive others.

 

When Hatred Is Emptied, Love Begins to Flow Again

 

Proverbs 10:12 says: “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.”  Covering offenses does not mean hiding sin or condoning wrongdoing.  It means that we do not hold on to another person’s weaknesses and failures and use them as tools to exalt ourselves.  Love does not store up past wrongs and bring them out again as weapons every time there is a conflict.  Love remembers the grace God has shown us and seeks to extend grace to others.  Therefore, emptying hatred must begin with those closest to us.  Examine the old hurts you have stored up against your spouse.  Bring the wounds you carry toward your parents before God.  Examine the competitiveness and resentment you hold toward your brothers and sisters.  Bring the wounds you received in church and your disappointment with people before the Lord.  Tell God about your anger toward the person who has made your workplace difficult.  Do not hide your hatred.  But do not continue living while holding on to it either.  You must empty it before God, one thing at a time.  And you must fill that emptied place with the love of Christ.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Principles and Practical Guidelines for Emptying “Hatred”

 

 

 

How, then, can we actually empty hatred in our homes, churches, and workplaces?  Hatred may not disappear completely through a single decision.  The older the wound, the more it may return to our thoughts, and something we believed we had already forgiven may hurt us again.  When that happens, we do not need to think that we have failed.  We can bring it to God again.  Emptying hatred is not so much a one-time emotional decision as it is an ongoing process of entrusting our wounds and anger to God and choosing love each time they rise again.

 

1.     When You Discover a Seed of Hatred, Deal with It Immediately Before God

 

Do not take small hurts lightly.  If you keep thinking about someone and your anger toward that person continues to grow, bring that emotion before God.  “Lord, I hate that person.”  “I am still angry whenever I think about what happened.”  “I even have thoughts of wanting something bad to happen to that person.”  Honestly acknowledge the condition of your heart before God.  Pretending that hatred is not there is not emptying it.  You must first acknowledge that hatred exists before you can empty it.

 

2.     When Your Anger Is Intense, Do Not Speak or Act Immediately

 

When you are angry, you must be careful with your words and actions.  Do not immediately send a text message or email.  Do not pour out every thought that comes to mind on your spouse.  Do not unleash your anger on your children.  At work, do not make important decisions while you are angry.  Stop for a moment and pray.  If necessary, step away and give yourself time for your heart to settle.  Then speak the truth in love.  Suppressing anger and refusing to be ruled by anger are not the same thing.  Do not deny your emotions, but do not allow your emotions to determine your words and actions.

 

3.     Entrust Your Desire for Revenge to God

 

Empty the thought that you personally must repay the other person for what they have done.  Holding someone appropriately accountable is different from taking revenge.  If justice is necessary, deal with the matter through legitimate means.  But do not make destroying the other person the goal of your life.  Pray: “God, I will not become the judge. I entrust this matter to Your justice.”  An important moment in emptying hatred comes when I return to God the judge’s seat that I had been holding on to for myself.

 

4.     Do Not Pass Family Wounds on to Other Family Members

 

Do not release the wounds you received from your spouse onto your children.  Do not make your children take your side.  Do not compare one child with another and show favoritism.  Examine your own heart so that you do not repeat toward your spouse the wounds you received from your parents.  Every family needs someone who will stop the flow of hatred.  Do not say: “My parents lived this way too, so there is nothing I can do.”  In Christ, we can make a different choice.  Refusing to pass the wounds I received on to the next person and stopping the flow of hatred in my own generation is also an important practice of emptying.

 

5.     Pray for the Person Who Hurt You

 

Jesus told us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us.  At first, that prayer may not come naturally from our hearts.  Pray anyway.  You may pray honestly: “Lord, I still do not have the desire to bless this person. But please rule my heart.”  Praying for someone does not mean that you must immediately become close to that person again.  But you can practice releasing the heart that continually curses that person and entrusting the person to God.  A prayer that begins in tears may one day become a prayer of compassion.  Yet even these five practices cannot be accomplished by our strength alone.  Because hatred is connected to deep wounds, it may not immediately disappear simply because we decide, “From now on, I will not hate.” 

 

We need the help of the Holy Spirit.  When the Holy Spirit shines His light on our hearts through the Word, we must not hide our hatred but acknowledge it.  And we must remember again the forgiveness we received at the cross.  We can pray: “Lord, show me the hatred within me.  Do not let me hide from You the anger, resentment, and desire for revenge that rise within me when I think about the person who wounded me.  Help me empty the desire to become the judge and entrust all judgment to You.  Do not let me pass the wounds I received on to my spouse, my children, or other people, and do not let me repay hatred with hatred.  Help me deeply understand the love of the Lord who forgave me at the cross, and fill my heart, emptied of hatred, with the love of Christ.”

 

Emptying hatred does not mean living as though we were never wounded.  Nor does it mean saying that wrongdoing was not wrong.  Emptying hatred means refusing to give the person who wounded me the position of master over my heart.  It means refusing to allow my heart to remain imprisoned for the rest of my life by anger and resentment because of another person’s wrongdoing.  It means emptying the desire to become the judge and entrusting the matter to God’s justice.  And it means filling the emptied place with Christ’s love and forgiveness.  We must empty Cain’s hatred.  We must empty Esau’s desire for revenge.  We must empty Saul’s jealousy and hatred.  Like Joseph, we must look to the hand of God, which is greater than human evil.  And above all, we must look to Jesus, who on the cross forgave even those who hated Him.  Hatred says, “I must pay them back.”  Faith confesses, “I will entrust it to God.”  Hatred makes us live holding on to our wounds, but love makes us live holding on to the cross. 

 

Therefore, every day we must ask ourselves: “Whom am I still hating?”  “What wound am I unable to release and keep replaying in my mind?”  “Is there someone whom I want to judge and personally make pay?”  “Am I passing the wounds I received on to my spouse or my children?”  Bring that name and that wound before God.  And empty them one by one.  The purpose of emptying is not to become an empty person.  It is to fill the place emptied of hatred with the love of Christ.  Then our homes, churches, and workplaces can become not channels through which hatred flows, but channels through which the love of Christ flows.  This is the path of “emptying hatred” that we must walk every day.